UR Joking
finance
No more Mel Sauce weekend
My tuition is paying for barrels upon barrels of Mel Sauce for this weekend alone. Do we really need a Mel Sauce slip and slide?
Barry Manilow
Her name was Rosemary! She was an “It”-Girl!
Mills’ relationship with Rosemary feels actively teenage and real, which makes the humor that follows it fall flatter.
Gleason
Go To Sleep, UR!
“Hat Man appeared within the intersection of reality and imagination, in the world between sleepiness and wakefulness.”
bleach
Elena’s Haircut
I must’ve blacked out while they were washing my hair, but Alicia tells me that I told her I wanted a “cute lil’ gay lil’ thing”
joker
Knowledge is power
I ain't fucking around on my phone for multiple hours while the existential dread of never being good enough creeps in.
big fish small pond
‘Fish pledge’: the WCSA story
More troubling, she is one of the newer staff members: could this be a form of hazing? “If he dies, that’s on me,” she confides.
abacus
Libraries out of calculators, students turn to the dark arts
In replacement of the calculators, the libraries have begun to hand out abacuses to students, and offering lessons on how to use them.
Gilbert
Letter to the Editor: Regarding Gilbert being a non-Euclidean space
Gilbert just loops when one enters the stairwells. The next floor you find is one of the same four floors with occasional derivatives.
ccc
CCC: see a c-list app sinking in a sea of mediocrity
There’s a dearth of passion projects: I haven’t downloaded an app out of interest or joy in over five years.
Bee Campus
Dear Spirit Coordinator: please let me beat up Rocky
I want blood. I don’t know who the current Spirit Coordinator is, but if they’re reading this, I have only one word for them: coward.