UR Joking
existential horror
New Starbucks is the shrine to nihilism we need right now
New Starbucks is a two-way mirror between coffee and despair, a mobius strip where you can while away your days getting people’s names wrong and fussing over weird terms for different beverage sizes.
choose your own adventure
Choose Your Own Adventure: Orientation!
Overwhelmed by your new life at the River Campus? Play our Choose Your Own Adventure game and let us tell you how to be an independent person!
choose your own adventure
Choose Your Own Adventure: D-Day!
Your buddy Xander slides you a scrap of tin foil. Inside is either a tiny blotter of LSD or the corner of a Forever stamp of Mr. Incredible. What do you do?
160 Series
Math 160 series coursework found to contain traces of lead, arsenic
The study comes after years of enrolled students complaining about drowsiness, throbbing headaches, and difficulty with memory and concentration.
guillotine
New student initiative for tuition increase to fund totally unrelated guillotines
Top UR administrators, last seen diving Scrooge McDuck-style into a swimming pool filled with 2019’s executive bonuses, were unavailable for comment.
insecurity
UR found to be leading the nation in intellectual insecurity
UR students typically base their self-worth entirely on shouting down peers in casual conversation using facts they learned from a YouTube video.
course planning
The CT guide to enrolling in a secret course
Examples include two credit course “CAS 105: ROC YOUR BAR MITZVAH” and 69-credit course “XXX 420: Free Weed and Skateboard Tricks.”
Fox
Study finds most UR students have apparently never seen a fucking fox before
The red fox, known to STEM majors and insufferable men as “Vulpes vulpes,” is commonly found in every non-desert biome in the fucking Northern Hemisphere.
Games and Quizzes
The humanities fun zone
I’ve curated this little section to be a playground for my fellow Humanities majors. Enjoy, and remember: STEM people don’t know how to read!
Alpha Delta Phi
Funk tribunal dooms UR band to eternity of groove
The tribunal sought to review the legitimacy of first-year fusioneers “Nut Butter” as an heir to the greasy throne of River Campus funk.
