Satire
#Part of a complete breakfast
Soylent-Quarantine for Halloween
Our scientists and witchcraft students have invented a new kind of food that not only can feed our students, but has all the saccharine empty calories of Halloween candy.
Administration
Message to the UR community on recent controversy
In the spirit of supporting our students and retaining a happy campus, we have decided to create an environment of blissful ignorance.
Anti-racism
Anti-racist DPS policy to include blindfolds
DPS plans to have all officers wear blindfolds or horse blinders when driving because, “if we can’t see their face, we can’t tell their race.”
cooking
Freshman Cooking Basics: Ramen
If you’re not willing to compromise in the carcinogen category, I’d opt for Maggi noodles, which contain 25% more lead and MSG than Maruchan ramen noodles.
COVID-19
Study shows food provides protection from COVID-19
“Because social distancing is required at all times, and I can’t have any visitors, the news that food prevents coronavirus spread has completely saved my social life,”
Political Comedy
Here’s how Barry can still win
It's 1986. It's 1962. It's 1988. It's 1981. It's 2020. It's 1991. It's 2024. It's 2016. No matter the year, Bernie and Barry Sanders share a destiny.
CT Life Skills
CT Life Skills: How to eat food
Some criteria to keep in mind: Is the thing you want to eat moving? If so, it may be alive or a car, and therefore very difficult to catch and eat.
Satire
Letter to the Editor: In Defense of Coronas
Why does everyone keep talking about Coronas coming from China? It’s definitely a Mexican beer. My Mom says I go to a New Ivy and am very intelligent.
Narratives
Ken Jennings crowned king of ‘Jeopardy!,’ becomes vaguely famous
Jennings defeated longtime rival Brad Rutter and newcomer James Holzhauer, and is now even occasionally recognized when walking down the street.
CT Feet
CT Feet: I kidnap other students and steal their shoes, and you should too
Kidnapping (or as we say in the industry, “assisted vacation”) can be an exciting way to make quick cash, as well as some new friends!
