Humor
bowl
How to celebrate the Super Bowl like a pro
The Super Bowl was actually a 24-hour-long celebration of foods served in humanity’s greatest invention known as the bowl.
baby
Baby presses charges against mother for being born
the birth was so unsatisfactory that the plaintiff received auditory and visual trauma from the disgust and harassment from the doctors, as well as sustained neglect from the mother subsequent to their birth.
music
A letter to my guitar
Ever since I bought you with my hard-earned money, you’ve brought me nothing but joy. Unlike couples who argue and fight, I can always enjoy your company.
Danforth
The downfall of the plateocracy
Now, forks are able to be reunited with families. Plates are able to go home after decades in the kitchen. Spoons are able to live life on the dry-side, no longer submerged in sloppily executed imitations of soups and sauces.
groundhog
Groundhog Day
as per the groundhog way of life, students will be required to return to their dorms immediately after the ceremony and hibernate until the first dandelion (a groundhog’s delicacy) sprouts from the ground.
articles
‘Well-informed’ opinion once again submitted without any sources
In a society full of rampant misinformation and blatantly biased news sources, the Campus Times is proud to work with extremely well-researched opinion articles that are submitted without any references to sources.
meliora
New pillow is ultra Meliora
With the help of our P.I., we’re working on making the Pillow versatile enough to handle the emotional and physical weight of crying, pissing, and shitting as well.
beans
Please stop messing with my pants
It started off with small things. One morning, the cuffs of my pants were slightly shorter, almost imperceptibly so.