By Goose
My Wingman
At this morning’s press conference senior Allen Fitzsimmons made an announcement that shocked the UR community. It’s official – Fitzsimmons will return to UR next year, but instead of being on the squash courts he’ll return to captain the Dance Dance Revolution team in their second season.”I was doubtful for a while, but once the sport went varsity and we made the coaching change there was no question in my mind,” Fitzsimmons said.On Feb. 31, UR made a controversial move, making Jim Harrick and Jim Harrick, Jr. the newest additions to the Yellowjackets athletic department. Thanks to the recent success of the UR men’s and women’s basketball coaching staffs, the Harricks were not considered for a basketball coaching position.However, in a last ditch effort to get the newly formed Dance Dance Revolution team out of the Division VII cellar UR made a desparation hiring by bringing the Harricks to UR.The Harricks come to UR after being fired by the University of Georgia for allegations regarding financial and academic fraud. Harrick will immediately move into the DDR head coaching position while Harrick, Jr. will be the assistant and head instructor of 50 Cent DDR, which is to be taught in da club.”Its a no-brainer. Now that I’m on Harrick’s DDR squad I can have my phone bill taken care of, and my GPA ain’t gonna be no 1.9 anymore. And I would have to say the real clincher was the library lot parking spot for my new hummer,” Fitzsimmons said. It’s widely known Fitzsimmons couldn’t compete unless he maintained a 2.0 and carried 12 credits, but with Harrick, Jr.’s new class that won’t be a problem. The class is a 14.0 credit class and the only requirement for getting an A is to be on the DDR team. Harrick’s first move as DDR head coach was to hire the student athlete with the most time on their hands, and that is without any doubt Fitzsimmons. Harrick’s next step was to meet with administration and make sure that there would be no problem floating some cash to team members for credit card bills and anything that they “really, really” wanted. “I’m not going to run a dirty program at UR. I’ve learned from my mistakes at Georgia and UCLA, oh and URI, so as long as President Jackson has no problem, I’m gonna make this team break into the top 25 within one season,” Harrick said.The new head coach has already announced plans to revamp the entire recruiting process, promising to bring in the best DDR prospects the region has to offer. Already on Harrick’s long list of recruits are left stepper Lou S. Powell of Niskayuna, NY, power choreographer Jeremy Fitzsimmons of Bridgewater, CT and mid-pizzaz designer Carl Farbman of Pittsford, NY. Jeremy is Allen’s younger brother and enjoys ice cream sundaes, bubble gum and stealing gauze from hospitals. Despite a pathetic 690 on his SAT’s Harrick has already guaranteed the younger Fitzsimmons admission via the early DDR decision program – a new addition to the UR Renaissance program.Harrick will also reportedly attempt to install a revolutionary DDR training regimen which should prepare the squad for the stiff compeition on its schedule.Drills and exercises include blindfolded wheelbarrel races, laps around the DDR machine and mandatory poetry writing and reading sessions where players will express their true feelings about team goals, strategies and whose butt looks the cutest in the newly designed neon yellow booty shorts.The older Fitzsimmons is the preseason favorite to walk away with the coveted “Hot Ass Hell” trophy awarded to the winner of the end of year DDR Div. VII National Championship competition. Harrick, Jr. will be in charge of designing the team’s new uniforms. He described the look the team was going for as, “flaming.””With my new shorts and the ‘Elevated L’ maneuver, no one in the nation has a chance of touching me [off the record he added at least during the match]” Fitzsimmons said. The “Elevated L” is a maneuver that Harrick and Fitzsimmons have designed which defies all laws of physics and will undoubtedly awe the judges and audiences at the national tournament. These types of new moves combined with the unique fashions of Harrick, Jr. will give UR an edge in its team competitions.Because the sport is a young one, the team will be conducting several fundraising events over the course of the year to help make money for the club, as well as to show off individualcooking skills at semi-weekly bake sales.The DDR team will put on two plays in March and June, with all proceeds going towards the purchases of new “spirit towels” – regular towels covered in glitter – and specially designed “spirit shoes” – regular shoes with pink polka-dots on the laces.Harrick will usher in a new era of DDR at UR this season as the team looks to “bring it on.”Goose can be reached at maverick@campustimes.org.
