By Charles MansonDead Man Walking
Several UR employees were arrested on Monday on drug trafficking charges in connection with the Cogeneration project.The Cogeneration project is responsible for tearing up the campus during the past year and making a big mess. It is also responsible for transporting 300 kilograms of crack cocaine to Canada through newly constructed underground tunnels.Drug trafficking activity was first sighted via CCTV by UR Security officers.”Officers noticed suspicious individuals lurking around the Cogen site by the A Lot,” Director of UR Security and overall nice guy Wally Mauldin said. “We stopped watching for a few minutes – the West Wing was on and it was the one where Abbey appears with Elmo on Sesame Street – and when we looked back, President Jackson was standing there holding large vials of what appeared to be crack cocaine.”Security officers left to inspect the scene, but accidentally used the A Lot camera tape to record the rest of the West Wing. Without evidence, a Jackson arrest looks dim.”I [wasn’t] involved,” Mafia druglord Thomas Jackson said in a press conference held Tuesday in the Pit. “And I didn’t know – you could get [a Blimpie and soup] – on a club [meal].” If found guilty, Jackson faces a lot of years in jail as well as the nickname “Wacko Cracko Jacko.” For the time being, the case has been referred to the Dean of Babysitting’s Office for further review.”It’s too bad someone had to ruin the fun of the fraternity quad ice rink for everyone,” Dean of Students and hard-core hardass Jody Asbury said. “I’m sure my underling Dean Burns will take the matter very seriously.”Burns declined comment, but still said stuff anyway.”We’re not allowed to discuss judicial matters,” Assistant Dean of taking away fun Matt Burns said. “But, off the record, I can tell you that he’s pretty much fucked.”Despite rising allegations against the president, other administrators are behind him 99 percent.”I THINK IT’S OUTRAGEOUS THAT PEOPLE THINK HE’S BEHIND IT,” Dean of The College and billionaire William “F. Scott Fitzgerald” Green said. Green continued, “THE FRATS ARE RESPONSIBLE!!!”As always, no one really knows or cares what Provost Charles Phelps is doing about the matter, because no one knows what the provost does anyway. “That [bastard] ran off [with the crack money]!” Wacko Cracko Jacko said.Phelps denied all charges, speaking from his office at an undisclosed location, where he has been working hard to add more partnerships with online sharing companies.”Meliora,” Chuck E. Cheese Phelps said. “I can’t meliora enough that I have nothing to do with it.” Continuing, he said “By next fall, you can be meliora to see the first online organ sharing meliora at a small private meliora.”President-elect and Brian Goldhagen look-alike Joel Seligman is the “Bailout Fundraiser Chair” of the “Save TJ and Criminal Administrators” Thefacebook group.”We’ll start with a bake sale in Hirst Lounge, then maybe a topless carwash,” Seligman said. “If that doesn’t get enough, we can dip into Jackson’s ‘secret tuition fund.'”Part time pizza delivery boy Paul Burgett is also listed among the group’s founders.”I’m really excited to help Jackson avoid arrest,” he giggled. “Would you like pepperoni or sausage?”The crack pipeline runs straight to Toronto, much like the Fast Ferry never did. The Rochester Police Department is currently investigating the case.”RPD arrived on the scene at approximately 5:22 p.m. so [Security] went out to senior night,” Wally said. “After a few drinks, Lafferty and I really hit the dance floor and picked up some chicks from ‘The Real World,’ at approximately 12:42 a.m.”The cocaine is transported from Columbia to Rochester. It is then processed into crack. The UR crack laboratory has not yet been discovered, but security is hot on the trail.”A little bird told me that it might be in Morey,” Wally said. “The bird has yet to file an official report with RPD.”Green has faith that truth will prevail.”OH HONEY, I GOT A LOTTA MONEY,” Green said. He continued to sing and dance for a few minutes – too bad you weren’t there.This isn’t the first incident in UR’s drug history. Wilson Commons was designed as a large greenhouse for cultivating marijuana in the 1970s. After students began stealing plants, the greenhouse was shut down and the student union was moved into the otherwise wasted space.”IF IT WEREN’T FOR THOSE MEDDLING FRATERNITIES, I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN HIGH!!” Green said.Manson cannot be reached atan e-mail address, because he is on Death Row.
