Horoscope

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Make sure you do all your reading early in the week. Your little clip-on book light is going to run out of batteries sometime on Wednesday and this will leave you in a very awkward position when you have to scramble across the room naked to get a new AAA battery without your roommate waking up and seeing you.Aries (March 21-April 19) – Make sure to take out your contacts every night this week. It’s bad for your eyes to leave them in. They need to breathe. So does that guy with duct tape over his mouth in my closet. Don’t wear contacts? Poof, you do now.Taurus (April 20-May 20) – No offense, but if you can, lose lots of weight easily. This drug is not for you. Gemini (May 21-June 21) – It’s getting chilly outside. Buy yourself some gloves and a scarf. If you wear the scarf on your hands and the gloves on your ears, I bet the winter months will seem much more exciting! Cancer (June 22-July 22) – It’s time for you to have a fantastic week. So dip yourself in gold and wear yourself around your neck. Bling-bling.Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Start keeping a journal of your daily activities. If I break in and steal your diary and find that you are counting carbs, I will set you on fire.Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Feel like you’re running on empty this week? Well, even though drinking gas will fill you up, don’t do it. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Try something new this week. For example, pastrami is not a new deli meat. But if you haven’t tried it, it’s new to you. So go eat pastrami all week.Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – I have an idea for a new reality series – “Dorm Island.” I will lock you in your dorm room, and you can never get out.Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) – In the future, try to avoid angry alumni at football games. Also tell them that being 45 and drunk on a Saturday afternoon is not a raving endorsement for UR.Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Try to learn a new language this week. This way you will seem much more cultured and interesting whenever you meet new people or go on an interview. The drunken idiot dialect is not an appropriate selection.Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Stock up on chapstick. Get all kinds, like Chapstick plain, Blistex medicated and Burt’s Beeswax, for example. Always be sure to keep people guessing.(If you actually believe this, then you have not had Ray’s dirtcake. It is awesome. If you’d like to try it, join the CT – Wednesdays at 6:30)