My boyfriend and I recently had a conversation assessing our relationship, and one aspect that was mentioned was our sex life. “I feel like we’re falling into a routine,” I said.
“I feel like I’m always initiating and you never tell me what you want,” he said. Well then.
It might be against my best interest to admit in my second installment of “Sex & the CT” to admit that I struggle with expressing desire, fostering intimacy, and experiencing pleasure — but I prefer to lead with honesty in this kind of discussion. Everyone will struggle with one, or all, of the aforementioned issues in their sex lives, and it isn’t a complete representation of who you are as a sexual being. I’d also like to note that understanding your own pleasure and desire, or lack thereof, is also important for those of you who are celibate. If and when you decide to pursue a sexual relationship, or jump back into your sexuality after an extended vacation, knowing yourself will make sexual interactions both more enjoyable and more comfortable.
At this point, I’ve spent an extended amount of time absorbing sexual education content. Just this afternoon, I spent several hours listening to TEDx Talks by sex educators, psychologists, and researchers. What I’ve learned is that there are three main basics to fostering satisfying sexual interactions: intimacy, pleasure, and desire.
Intimacy is important to distinguish from the act of sex itself. Just because we say we have an “intimate relationship” with someone we could be sleeping with doesn’t mean we only have intimacy with sexual partners. Nor is intimacy a metric of a relationship’s depth, as intimacy can be fostered in a casual relationship without an overabundance of romantic feelings.
Intimacy can’t be forced, but it is influenced by a few main things. Healthline and LBDO make the case that trust, safety, acceptance, honesty, communication, and affection can all influence how intimate you are with your partner.
The intimacy aspect is apparent to me in the case of a fully physical sexual relationship, commonly dubbed “friends with benefits,” or FWB for short. With that person, honesty, acceptance, and communication come easily so long as that person does not cross a line. I believe that is because there is less at stake in these transactional relationships. While you’re sexually vulnerable, there is less of a personal vulnerability that is not required to foster this type of intimacy.
When with a long-term partner though, there is more at stake. While we have established intimacy through trust and longevity, maybe we lack communication as stressors pile up for one partner or another. Maybe one partner is feeling unsafe, as many people deal with the lasting effects of sexual trauma on intimacy.
Whatever may be blocking you from developing intimacy in your sexual relationship, it’s probably going to take extended inner work and vulnerability on your behalf to your partner. Through safe, gentle, and kind communication and quality time — but also a few really tough conversations that may stir up a lot of emotions seemingly not related to sex — you can slowly work to increase intimacy in your relationship.
Pleasure is the second part of the trifecta of healthy sexual functioning. Pleasure should be one of the main goals of sex, if not procreation or deepening of a relationship. Merriam-Webster defines pleasure as “sensual gratification.”
One of the most highly valued signs of pleasure during sex in modern culture is the orgasm. For those who have a phallus, the orgasm is literally substantive. For vulva owners, there can be some sorts of physical signs of climax, but according to sex educator and author Emily Nagoski Ph.D., every single orgasm is different. For some, orgasm during penetrative sex is impossible. For some, it comes naturally. Some never climax with a partner. Some never climax until they’re 80 years old.
The moral of the story: Everyone experiences pleasure differently. Sex should be an enjoyable experience with your partner (or partners), and while orgasms are the most commonly known metric to assess pleasure, an orgasm is not always necessary for good sex. How you show up and experience the sensation is most important for that.
In some cases, sex can be pleasurable and you can feel intimate with your partner, but lack desire. Desire has been stumping sex researchers for decades — especially in conversations of how to sustain desire in long-term relationships. Dr. Petra Zebroff mentions in her TEDxSurrey Talk that around the one to two year mark, desire drops off in almost every relationship. This is mostly attributed to that exciting adrenaline rush you get from a new partner.
One solution: Find that adrenaline rush together. Talk about what in the past has allowed you to madly desire your partner. Experiment with new things and discuss. Try watching porn together. Masturbate with each other — this is called mutual masturbation and is highly recommended for couples who struggle with all of the issues mentioned here: desire, intimacy, and pleasure. By turning on a piece of media that piques your desire, you can connect with your partner and learn about their desires. You can watch to see what sensations your partner enjoys. The closeness creates a context to promote intimacy.
Another solution, this time less fun: Make space for desire. Hi there, busy college students! Exams, papers, group projects, extracurricular activities, social lives, campus events, etc. It’s enough to keep one person juggling and feeling burnt out. Of course, you don’t have any desire to rip your partner’s clothes off when you’ve got a to-do list a mile long. Dr. Nagoski emphasizes the importance of creating contexts for desire. Get the top three priority items crossed off, and then maybe you’ll have an easier time having your no-pants party.
This is a two-way street. If you notice your partner is stressed, even if it’s a casual fling, a small extension of kindness to help take a little stress off their shoulders can make them feel that much closer to you.
In conclusion: If you have hit a rut in your sex life, bring it back to the basics. Not exactly the same SexEd Basics we learned in separate Boy/Girl classrooms in middle school, but the adult kind that comes with acknowledging that we are sexual beings. A lot of the issues we run into with intimacy, pleasure, and desire, can be brought about through social stigmas and shame, too. Getting to know yourself and your partner is crucial to getting past the emotional, mental, and social blockages between you and the satisfying sex life you crave.
If you’re looking for more resources, I recommend Dr. Nagoski’s book, “Come As You Are,” as well as TEDx Talks from Esther Perel and her podcast, “Where Should We Begin?” For those struggling with sexual trauma, trauma-informed psychiatry and counseling could prove to be some benefit.
