By: Rachel UnCaren
Fun time’s over, according to Federal Commissioner of Comedy Sean O’Comedy, who has officially declared that comedy is dead.
In a development that surprises precisely no one paying attention, the FCC says that the future of satire is bleak at best. Jaunty jests and classic tomfoolery have been at risk of extinction for years, thanks to an oversaturation of comedic centers and a subset of internet users who think they’re being funny when they’re actually just incredibly racist.
The FCC’s decision comes on the heels of mere hours of consideration, after attempts to debate were thwarted by unanimous agreement.
Surges in absurd news headlines, committee debates, and events at large have left the FCC struggling to support the future of comedy. Attempts to fundraise in the name of “comic preservation” have been largely overtaken by internal debates on the cons of finally banning asbestos.
“It’s just becoming redundant,” said O’Comedy. “What’s the point of something like The Onion, when you can watch two Congress members beat the shit out of each other on C-SPAN?”
O’Comedy’s words resemble a sentiment that’s been reflected all throughout history: a belief that the absurdity of reality is the greatest satire of all, or whatever Immanuel Kant or Kierkegaard or Camus would say.
Comedy traces its roots back to the early 1900s, when visionary John Comedy, no relation to Sean, first pioneered the concept of not having a fucking stick up your ass. To date, humor remains subjective, temperamental, a little bit pretentious, and only really funny when I do it.
Since its inception, comedy has been made to amuse, diffuse, abuse, confuse, and a number of other topic-appropriate verbs to describe the multifaceted applications of a joke, as provided by RhymeZone.
Today, however, comedy remains a point of strained contention for Americans. Who’s really funny anymore? Me? You? Those freaks on the Internet? The sad-faced clown that stares back at you in the mirror each night, watching you swallow down your citalopram just to face another meaningless day of academic pressure and a deeply terrible loneliness?
Regardless of the state of your mental health, the FCC is confident that the end of comedy will have a positive effect on the nation. Productivity is expected to skyrocket, and the presence of 15- to 17-year-old high school class clowns and self-proclaimed funnymen is expected to plummet — an age range that, ironically, closely overlaps with the distribution of hospital visits due to punching walls.
Still, the commission plans to give comedy a proper send-off during its final hours. Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O, of MTV’s “Jackass” fame, are slated to host an “End of an Era” event revolving around a prank-infested Rube Goldberg machine, which will culminate in them being trapped in an inescapable cage with a single cube of cheddar cheese — a la Mouse Trap — before being crushed to death by the comically oversized Hand of God.
The performance will premiere later this week on NBC at whatever time is most inconvenient to you.
Surprising no one, University administration took a milquetoast stance in response to the ruling.
“We’re looking forward to working within the parameters set forth by the FCC,” said a token nondescript spokesperson from the University during a speech that was probably better suited for a game of Corporate Mad Libs.
“As an institution committed to regulatory compliance and best practices, the University of Rochester welcomes the upcoming guidelines with open arms,” she added, to deafeningly disinterested silence. “We remain steadfast in our promise to uphold the highest standards of operational integrity and academic excellence, and the lowest survivable standards of student life.”
The Catholic Times reached out to University officials for further comment on the matter via X, a social media website traditionally for propaganda bots and mediocre images of unnaturally smooth naked women, who are also bots. As of the publication of this article, University officials have declined to respond.
We assume their hands are too busy.
UnCaren is a member of the errant comedy troupe, the Catholic Times.
