Welcome back to the 28 Days of Male-Female Interconnectedness. So far, the superhuman skills of the pact members have proved entirely useless. The Vixen’s belly dancing skills failed to ensnare the eager male she was pursuing. Meanwhile, I was fully engaged in some intensely hot eye-sex while crusing through Meliora Hall. Unfortunately, my efforts were impeded by the wall I proceeded to walk into. The prey had gotten away.
Thankfully, hope lay on the horizon for several members of the pact. Three of them had developed crushes. The intrepid Vixen harbored the proverbial “hots” for a nice young sophomore boy, who was in a play that she was acting in. The Vixen, struck with a sudden longing for the young’un, devised a plan. “Leah,” she said through gritted teeth, her voice thick with determination. “I’m gonna rob me a cradle.”
“Snap out of it woman!” I screamed and punched her in the face. “Do you realize what you’re saying? You want to reach down, go below the age line, dig deep into the barrel of underclassmen lovin’! Do you even realize the grave nature of what you intend to do?”
She kicked me in the groin and responded, “I’m ready, Leah. I’m ready.”
Turning to leave, I grimaced and nodded slowly. As I reached the door, I swiveled back toward my nervous friend. “Go get him, kid.”
And get him she sure did. The Vixen’s “How we got together” story is truly one to tell the grandchildren.
That very night, the Vixen drank embarrassingly large amounts of alcohol and informed every member at her cast party that she liked the aforementioned sophomore. Subsequently, the party attendees roped the poor, innocent sophomore into an evil and perhaps rigged game of “every time someone knocks over a stack of cans that has for no apparent reason been left in the middle of the common room, the Vixen and the sophomore have to makeout.”
Well, let’s just say that somehow the stack of cans kept mysteriously tipping over and by the end of week two, the Vixen had met the criterion for the 28 Days pact.
This would lead one to believe that the brave Vixen had successfully completed the pact in the allotted 28 days, but alas, let us not forget our other pact members. It just so happened that one member of the pact was conveniently a heterosexual male and “had a thing” for another member of the pact, a heterosexual female. Magic was in the air. The only problem was getting them together. I knew that the girl liked the boy, the boy liked the girl and they both knew they liked each other. In a simple equation, boy plus girl equals lovin’, a task that would prove quite difficult!
Girl and I devised a clever plan. We would invite Boy out to an Ethiopian feast and while we were at it, we invited all of our friends who had crushes on our other friends, thus resulting in the most awesomely awkward and sexually tense dinner in the history of mankind. This way we could save on food – who needs sustenance when the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife or, I suppose in this case, grab it with Ethiopian bread?
Alas, our evil plot was all but foiled. Half of our friends didn’t show up, resulting in a painfully awkward mix of unproductive conversation.
Furthermore, Boy showed up characteristically late and wound up at the complete opposite end of the table from Girl, leading to a situation where only eye-innuendos could be shyly exchanged. I insisted that Girl and Boy down some drinks in my suite and then join a friend and I for a chat in our common room.
Four hours of awkward conversation later, a cell phone number was finally exchanged, they were freed from my lair and let’s just say, Boy and Girl, like the Vixen, also successfully completed the pact.
As for me, it was quite the adventure, but the Oct. 1 deadline has passed. I’m still very much single and the members of the pact all agreed it was best if I focused on their stories rather than mine.
On that note, I will end both this article and the 28 Days by asking you all to give yourselves a round of applause for making this the most eventful 28 Days since freshman year.
So, until the spring season, enjoy your sexual hibernation for the next few months.
Kaminsky can be reached at lkaminsky@campustimes.org.
