Passover is underway, and if you are unlucky enough to be male, goy, and firstborn, it is a truly terrifying time indeed. No, not because of those pesky banks not giving you a loan, but because our just and benevolent creator seeks to destroy us. I know, it is extremely difficult to be male in today’s society.
To escape the greatest oppression ever known to mankind, I have developed some tips and tricks that even an omniscient being like Adonai dare not go against. What is this crazy loophole you may ask? Change your gender! Now you may think that such a silly little technicality will make no difference in the eyes of the lord, but there are some lines that even He cannot cross. For what is an omnipotent being against the power of the leftist liberal media? Indeed, cancellation is a cross too heavy for anyone to bear. Especially a being whose very existence relies on those he mercilessly slaughters.
But how does one just switch genders? Indeed, such a drastic change can feel like a very daunting task. Never fear, I have all the answers you seek, in the form of an algorithm of my own design. For who knows gender better than a straight male? This test reveals the ultimate strategy for the war on God with tactics so brilliant that even He shall tremble with fear. The algorithm is surprisingly easy to perform, but unfortunately only works for an elite group of select people. To find out if you qualify for this ultimate gender, simply provide your honest opinion about the validity of each of the following statements:
- You fear the darkness (Tucker Carlson) more than you fear the swarm of locusts (Democrats).
- Hail from above (Elon Musk) can’t cure the boils upon society (Twitter).
- When the pestilence came (COVID-19), you defied Him and got vaccinated, letting down your defenses to the government chips removed by the flies and lice.
- tHe blood turned water is fully responsible for turning the frogs gay.
If you find all these statements to be true, then you have unlocked the ultimate gender:YHWH. Indeed, you too now qualify for He/Him/His pronouns and can no longer be touched (except maybe by a Catholic priest). If you answered any other combination, then I am afraid you are on your own, and I wish you the best of luck against our vengeful “savior.”
