Aries – Wilco Third Floor Gender-Neutral Bathroom (no hallway)
Aries is an on-the-go kinda girl, and this is an on-the-go kinda bathroom. The immediacy to the hallway and ever-looming presence of passing students makes it difficult to fully relax in this one, but the privacy and ultimate safety of the gender-neutral stall means that you can still depend on it for your most expedient bathroom needs. The third floor gender-neutral bathroom does not want to get to know you, but it does accept you for exactly what you are. We could learn something from Aries, is what I’m saying. We could learn something from the third floor gender-neutral bathroom.
Taurus – Todd Ground Floor Bathroom (with couch)
This bathroom demands a level of comfort and forced ease that is sort of bizarre. The first time you find this thing, you are assuredly not having a good day. You have somehow wound up at the mailing center in such a blind state of panic that you are willing to gamble on using the bathroom that is hidden down an unlit hallway and behind an ominous gray door. The emotion that you experience upon opening the door, expecting perhaps to see a corpse laid out on the floor or an open sewer pit but instead finding an overstuffed orange upholstered couch and a vague sense of unease, is legitimately impossible to convey in human words. Any pisses taken here are both serene and unsettling. Why is the couch there? Has anyone ever used it? How long has it been there? Anyway, a Taurus loves creature comforts, and that couch is certainly some sort of creature. Go nuts.
Gemini – Meliora Second Floor Main Bathroom
Gemini is a controversial sign. This is, and I am going to be honest with you out of respect, a terrible bathroom. This is a bad bathroom because it lies to you. Ultimately, however, the reason why people hate this bathroom, and why people hate Gemini, is more about them than it is the actual entity. This bathroom forces you to confront your own ego. It is way too large, there is a line of huge mirrors placed a far distance opposite from the sinks in exactly the way in which they are least useful. It is disconnected from the flow of time and in the middle of a wide and awkwardly spaced hallway. You feel both unbearably seen and completely forgotten. Gemini might be decisive, and it might have many faces it wears, but it is certainly not average. Neither is the experience here.
Cancer – Your Shitty Dorm Bathroom. Yes, the One From The First-Year Quad.
Cancer gets sort of a bad rep for being the ‘overly emotional’ sign, but it is also an incredibly nurturing force. Cancer has empathy and emotional vulnerability in spades, because Cancer can’t even act like it isn’t over-emotional. The bathrooms in freshman housing are nothing if not emotional. I don’t think I ever went a full week without hearing someone’s crying session or frantic phone call. They see you at your very worst. Maybe it’s messy, and maybe the drains are always clogged and it smells weird, but at the end of the day, that first-year quad bathroom raised you. You felt every emotion in there, and you felt them all to the extreme. Cancer knows that growth occasionally comes with contempt, and nothing exemplifies that like a freshman dorm bathroom.
Leo – Q&I Bathroom
Show. Boating. This bathroom lures you in with its large gender-neutral stalls and promise of luxury, but mostly it just smells bad. Leo doesn’t smell bad, but it often attempts to make an overly large performance and finds that its technical ability has fallen short of expectations. However, like them or not, you know about the Q&I bathrooms. You’ve used the Q&I bathrooms. You have an opinion on them. Leo directs and maintains attention, and so does everything about this accursed place. There are even a multitude of large mirrors and places to fix your makeup. Plus, this is the only bathroom to consistently have tampons. They won’t admit it, but Leo is also kinda awesome at taking care of people. This is a complicated bathroom, and a complicated sign.
Virgo – Wilco Third Floor Gender-Neutral Bathroom (hallway)
The sister bathroom to Aries, but not the sister sign (I’d love to complete the metaphor, but this bathroom is not Libra), this bathroom is the most stable and comforting thing in my collegiate life. With all of the comfort of the non-hallway bathroom, plus the added privacy of its own private nook, this stall seems to say: “Hey, I get it, you gotta do what you gotta do. You’re safe here.” This bathroom allows you to get it all out, emotionally, physically, psychically, etc. It does this because it knows you will only be productive if you don’t have to carry that weight. Virgo is known for being ruthlessly logical and caring in an efficient yet tender way. Enjoy the third floor gender-neutral bathroom, babygirl. You deserve it.
Libra – Wallis Hall Main Bathroom
Libra is the diplomat of the zodiac. This bathroom is the first thing prospective students see when they finish their road trip onto campus. It just makes sense. I personally have never toured the campus, but I worked for two years in the admissions office, and believe me when I say that these bathrooms see the most diverse pool of people out of any of them. Most of us will use the Wallis bathrooms at least once, but only a few will get to know them with any intimacy. Libra is a friend to all but only truly known by few. There is more to Libra than meets the eye, and the same goes for this bathroom. Namely, the toilets that never fucking flush when you want them to. Thank you Wallis bathrooms, you do exactly what you need to do.
Scorpio – Morey Graffiti Bathroom
Everyones always going on about how Scorpios are evil or Scorpios are good or if they are misunderstood or whatever. Scorpio is none of those things. Scorpio is melodramatic, and so is this bathroom. The walls are covered with evidence of people who were seemingly actively experiencing a nervous breakdown. There are love notes, suicide notes, and dick jokes (oh my) as well as the occasional anime girl. It is overwhelming and sweet and sad and horny all at once. There is no other sign that can embody that combination of Every Emotion As Big As Possible, while still also trying to look chill and nonchalant. The Morey tunnel bathroom has a lot to offer, and it has a lot to confuse you with. You could spend a long time trying to figure it out, and the productivity of that act is ultimately up to the viewer’s perspective. You’ll come away with something, at the very least, and that is more than most bathrooms can say. This one goes out to the sheer drama of the Morey tunnel bathroom. They can try and paint you over, but they can never take the Dramatique from you.
Sagittarius – The Bathroom on the Top Floor of a Frat House
Sagittarius is a popular girlie, but also weighed with a deep existential sadness. Sag wants to be loved but fears that no one can do so with the same competency that they use to love others. Sag gets the job done, but at the end of the night they are lost. The bathroom on the top floor of a frat house is an emotional maze of the highest caliber. As you stand there, watching your drunk reflection sway and warp in the mirror, you are forced to confront the ways in which we each lie to ourselves and others to create a persona. As a group of drunk sorority girls comes over to confess their undying love to you, you are forced to confront the ways we impact each other. Sagittarius touches the lives of many, but will ultimately always end up feeling alone. The frat bathroom can never be a place of true connection, because it knows its gifts must be given to others after you.
Capricorn – Carlson Basement Gender-Neutral Bathroom
I am making a deep personal sacrifice by revealing this bathroom to the general public. That is not a joke. This is the closest thing this campus has to a sensory deprivation tank, and I mean that. It is entirely closed and completely isolated. There is a sit down shower/bath/contemplation stool. Capricorn is hard-working, stubborn, and emotionally reserved. This bathroom is built for only the most efficient, high priority, and secretive of events. Capricorn deserves a space where they can work in peace, and on this campus those are in short supply. If you are brave enough to face the Carlson basement, which Capricorn is, then this bathroom will be there for you. You’re welcome.
Aquarius – Meliora Bed Bathroom
Aquarius is a fucking weirdo. Plain and simple. We like being inexplicable, causing mischief, and making people question our next move. Why on earth does this bathroom have a sitting room with a full hospital bed? It’s in the basement, an already harrowing and dark place. It has a strong and oppressive energy. This bathroom does not want you there — it has other plans. Aquarius occasionally enjoys an audience for their nonsense, but for the most part, they just want to be weird about it. Just like this bathroom.
Pisces – Hutch First Floor Bathroom
This bathroom is filled with immense emotional turmoil. If you can’t remember which it is, it is the one that has big foam letters that say “pee” and constantly has a line out the door. Pisces is a water sign. That’s a punchline on its own, but it also means Pisces is familiar with strong emotion. When you’re crying after an orgo test, staring at those cartoony foam pee letters, you understand for a moment what it is to be a Pisces, and what it means when they say the best comedy is found in tragedy.
