While most college students are no stranger to scrambling to make ends meet, this year’s iteration of the Fall Poster Sale has brought on a new dimension to the word “broke.” From ickle firsties eagerly spending Mommy and Daddy’s money on a lil’ something special, to upperclassmen who have spent the summer grinding away for pennies (and who should really know better than to spend the whole semester’s drinking money in one go), tensions are high. Bank accounts are empty. Students will have to fend for themselves. These are their stories.
EMAIL –“THE MAN” TO “THAT ONE OK LADY”
Hey Mom,
You know how much I love you, right? Well, I do. Just wanted to put that out there.
I know, I know, I just asked for some cash, but I was in Wilco and they had a poster sale and I swear they put crack in that Pit water. The guy said I couldn’t find the posters for cheaper, and you know how much I like “The Big Lebowski.” It really ties the suite together. So can you just send me like $250 or something? It’s for food, or maybe books, or maybe I’ll end up eating the books. Thanks.
-Topher.
EMAIL – ADMIN TO UNSOLICITED CONTACT
Dear Ms. Smith,
While we at the Medical Center appreciated your offer of employment, we are not able to currently admit you as a new physician on the wards. This is due to the fact that we are neither hiring, nor interested in allowing first-year “pre-med-ish” students with intended majors in Medical Clownery to join our professional staff. I may recommend that you consider taking a break from doctor influencer TikTok and get a goddamn grip. No one cares that you diagnosed your little brother with colorblindness. The world has enough versions of you already.
Have a wonderful day!
Best, Sharon.
JOBLINK – PROGRAM ASSISTANT II
5 hours/week, $15.20/hr. Description: Paper-pusher. Skills required: pushing paper.
Applicants must be reliable, adaptable to change, have 1-2 years customer service experience, and wear cat ears in office to appease our weeb and incel clientele. Cover letter required.
This job opening has closed due to larger than anticipated applicant pool.
NOTE SLIPPED UNDER DOOR
Hey Kayden,
It’s Chett. You know where you know me from. (Chemistry, fourth row, third seat from the left. Unfortunate haircut. It’s better now.) Remember when I gave you my answers for that problem set? I said it was “no biggie, don’t even mention it.” Well, I’m mentioning it. Here’s my Venmo [@Chett-Brettingberg-58] so go ahead and send like three dollars per question. In case you forgot, there were 25 questions.
And if you don’t, I’ll tell DU you can’t actually shotgun. You just sip it kinda fast.
Love, Chett.
LETTER, DELIVERED VIA CARRIER PIGEON
My sincerest greetings Mr. Poster Guy,
When I saw your setup amid the rain, I was transfixed. The torrential downpour and gales of wind could not deter me from the beauty of your plastic-encapsed masterpieces, and while my wallet wept that day, my shriveled artist’s heart grew three sizes. Only now we have a problem.
You’ve got some nerve, huh, Mr. Poster? Upon consulting with my peers, we have found that you made up new prices for each new customer. How dare you take advantage of our underdeveloped brains and financial illiteracy? My dad’s gonna sue you. May your muffins be as dry as the Sahara, and let your wife leave you for a novelty shot glass traveling salesman. Piss yourself.
Signed, Not Yo Bitch.
AD: Facebook Marketplace
Title: LAST POSTER!! GOING FAST
Description: “fuck it, we ball” AirBud crossing up LeBron; I know what I have, price non-negotiable. Asking price: $75
STARBUCKS – MANAGER SHIFT REPORT
Brenda,
The new hires were a mistake. What’s the point of paying these kids if they can’t pull shots? One of them asked for tips so I had to take him outside and put him down. All they know is Grubhub, walk too slow in the tunnels, be bisexual, and lie.
Do something about it.
-Casey.
YIK YAK – NEW ENTRY
ordered a caramel macchiato, waited 23 minutes, it is both decaf and lacking caramel. MFers wouldn’t know a coffee bean if I threw it in their sorry face.
EMAIL – RETURNED TO SENDER
Dear Madam President,
I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve applied to 50 jobs in the past two weeks, and have yet to hear a single peep back. Yesterday I sat outside the ECM Help Desk all afternoon and begged them to hire me. They wouldn’t make eye contact, so I kind of huddled out there and hoped for the best. That’s what people mean by networking, right?
Sarah, I know you’ve got the power here. You’re the Big Boss! Can’t you find me a little boss? Just a teensy bit of student employment, as a treat? It really is irresponsible to shove the poster sale down our throats before we’ve even seen how much the gas station prices — I mean, the gas prices have gone up. That’s predatory advertising. Was my tuition not good enough for you? Why won’t you love me?
Respectfully, regrettably, ever yours, ever worse,
Jamie Bell.
JOBLINK – SOFTWARE DEVELOPER
15 hours/week, two handfuls of peanuts/hr. Description: Stringing overloaded and outdated servers along in a sad attempt to support the ever-growing student body and their tsunami of unsuccessful applications. Cover letter preferred. Skills required: software competency, 10-12 years coding experience and a sunny disposition, which will not last long 🙂
EMAIL TO ADMISSIONS
Hello University of Rochester,
Because of some personal failings, the individuals I thought were my friends have turned out to be backstabbing little snake bitches and are now extorting me. Anything you can do about it?
My skills include talking to people on the bridge, remembering faces but not names, and getting mad bitches. I could totally be a tour guide, or an extra on a motorcycle, to make campus look cooler than it really is. Think about it.
-Kayden.
FROM THE OFFICE OF THE PROVOST
University of Rochester, faculty, students, and staff:
Can’t you give a guy a break?
