Dear Campus Times:
My name is [redacted], I’m 20 years old, a UR junior, and I live in the laundry room at Anderson Tower. I’m a Biochemical-Theoretical Astro-Philosophical Geo-Cryptology Tri-State-Area Performance major with a Spanish minor. As the first person to pioneer such a necessary field, it’s important for me to be on the top of my game. But the people one floor above me practice choreography for UR Celtic at 2 a.m. every night. I can barely get any sleep, and their rhythm is terrible! What should I do?
Dear [redacted],
First, I want to say that you have such a lovely name. Such a unique inclusion of punctuation, I love the brackets!
Second, I am so sorry to hear that you are stuck in such an unfortunate situation. I’ve heard good things about the janitor closets, so I would suggest inquiring about moving into a broom storage space next semester (you could ask about the mop room, but they’re quite wishy-washy about who they let in).
Thirdly, what amazing job prospects you must have! It’s so wonderful to see that the Made Up Shit department is still going strong! Go Yellow Jackets and Teal Vests!
Last (and kinda least), about that Irish step dance class… oof. That’s “totes not chill,” as I’m sure you and your hip friends have often put it. No hat, or something.
The difficulties of college presented to hopeful applicants seldom include common problems such as living issues. After all, who hasn’t had to play poker in a chicken suit to make sure the suite next door upholds their end of the agreement to sacrifice a business student to the floor trash chute? It’s just part of college life, so I totally understand what you’re going through.
There are a number of things you could do, depending on how confrontational you are. I’d suggest a good old-fashioned duel in the First-Year Quad. It doubles as conflict settlement and a show of power to remind the new students who they answer to.
If that’s not quite your speed, there are less direct ways to go about things. Perhaps you’re in it for the long run? In that case, you could start a petition to ban potatoes from campus dining facilities. The Irish gene will go dormant without proper nourishment, so the absence of potatoes will allow for the club’s rehabilitation to a healthy TikTok dance group.
If all else fails, my final suggestion is to attend a meeting. Once you’ve infiltrated their numbers, outperform them, and leave having destroyed their egos and floors beyond repair.
You might be thinking, “But CT, I don’t know how to Irish step dance!” In that case, I would simply be better, and be good at Irish step dancing. It’s easy when you think about it. Just, be good. Got it?
Hope this response finds you healthily vindictive.
Hugs and kisses,
The Campus Times.
