CT Spooky: Meliora Witches Brew

Brought to you by your campus demon girl who lives in that one spot in the tunnels, this somewhat involved recipe will make the dead rise from the grave just to get a taste! 

Time: About 60 minutes

Makes 666 servings

Utensils/Cooking Equipment

• Large low-density polyethylene (LDPE) bowl
• Small LDPE bowl
• Large plastic microwaveable container (LDPE)
• Microwave
• LDPE pureer
• Several spoons 
• Ladle
• LDPE bowls for serving

Ingredients

• 4 cups Mel Sauce
• 1 cup rice
• 1 pinch cilantro
• 1 block tofu (firmer is better)
• ¼ tsp honey mustard
• 5 small octopi
• 1 can Cheese Whiz (or 1 cup shredded vegan cheese)
• 1 Snickers bar
• 8 fresh cockroaches
• 2 eyes of newt
• 13 toes of frog
• An egg
• 1 Azariah Boody’s appendix
• 17 yellowjackets (the bug, not a student. Please do not cook any students. The Campus Times is not responsible for the cooking of any students.)
• 1 yellow jacket (Make sure this isn’t made of tweed. Cotton preferred)
• 4 cups water
  

Steps

1. Cook 1 cup rice in a LDPE bowl.
2. Add cilantro to rice. Mix until you get cilantro rice.
3. Pour Mel Sauce into rice bowl. Mix to the tune of “Ode to Joy.”
4. Cut tofu into small pieces. If softer tofu, cut into triangular pyramid or triangular prism shapes for stability, because everyone knows triangles are the strongest form of tofu.
5. Add tofu to Mel Sauce. If tofu doesn’t sink, ask yourself why you didn’t design the Titanic.
6. Crack egg and separate the egg white and yolk by throwing them into the trash. Use your fist to break the egg shell. Toss into Mel Sauce.
7. Add honey mustard and octopus and stir. Keep an eye the tentacles, as they may try something. Octopi are smart bitches.
8. Mix everything in the bowl. Do this until you can see one of the following patterns: spiral galaxy, double helix, or University crest.
9. While mixing, add water until desired consistency is achieved. If your spoon breaks off while stirring, you can just leave it in — the dangerous bacteria on it will be cooked out anyway.
10. Spray Cheese Whiz or sprinkle shredded cheese on top of mixture. This step is optional, because you may feel this dish is too cheesy by including this step.
11. Cut Snickers bar into six-nine pieces. You can do this with a Swiss army knife, cleaver, or chainsaw, but nothing else. Add Snickers to bowl.
12. Toss Eyes of Newt and Toes of Frog into small bowl. Try and put them in so the Toes of Frog look like eyelashes on the Eyes of Newt. I can neither confirm nor deny that this will get you favor with the Big Boss Downstairs.
13. De-leg cockroaches. This is a very important step. I forgot this once and had cockroach legs stuck between my teeth, and they were still moving. Save yourself the trauma and do this step.
14. Puree cockroaches manually to the rhythm of “Highway to Hell.”
15. Add cockroach puree to Snickers, eyes, and toes. Mix and stir them until the consistency is that of congealed blood.
16. Toss this in with the Mel Sauce. You may see the stew take on a slight purplish tint. This is normal and totally not a sign of impending doom or danger.
17. Mince appendix and toss into large bowl. Stir well.
18. Wrap contents of bowl in yellow jacket. Ensure the bowl is not actually in the jacket and that none of the stew is leaking through it. Draw a pentagram on top.
19. Microwave until you see the hell-broth boil and bubble. Chant a demonic incantation to infuse your stew with demonic/satanic energy. Your hell-broth may not boil and bubble without it!
20. Remove from yellow jacket carefully while wearing iron gauntlets you have borrowed from your suit of armour in the hallway. 
21. Sprinkle yellowjackets on top. Analyze the vector field created by their orientations and lengths. If done right, the field should be non-trivial. Bonus points for finding the solution to the differential equation of this dish.
22. Serve in LDPE bowls with LDPE spoons. Make sure it’s LDPE. Hell cannot guarantee that your Meliora Witches Brew will not burn through metal, ceramic, and flesh.
23. Ring hell’s bells.
24. Enjoy as your insides melt from this delicious dish! Be sure to stop by the tunnels and present me with a serving.

Warning: CT and Hell take no responsibility for the impact this dish may have on your soul. Meliora witches’ brew may be hazardous to the following categories of people: children, babies, elderly, people with acid reflux, the living, the dead, anyone who has norovirus, orgo students, and Dean of Students Matthew Burns.