Welcome back everyone to another edition of Love, Life? Sport (23-17 Edition). You may have noticed that there are numbers in the title of this week’s column, a LLS first! It refers to the prediction that Plaxico Burress made to the media because he’s just that big of a genius. This week we shall preview everything about the Super Bowl and pretty much nothing else. After all, if there can be 4,300 media members in Phoenix, I am entitled to write an 800-word column focused solely on football.
As a reminder, next week will be the second-annual Super Bowl Diary, a much-beloved account of the Super Bowl as it’s happening and by all accounts the favorite LLS column among my myriad readers, and it happens to be the top-rated column by Campus Times staff.
Let’s start by taking a look at the quarterbacks. While this isn’t the mismatch that it was last month, it’s still a pretty epic tilt toward the Patriots. Eli Manning will always be known as the little brother. Nothing that he can do will ever change that. Meanwhile, Tom Brady can do no wrong. Even when he left Bridget Moynahan pregnant, no one in New England was too uptight about it. Rumor has it that he didn’t want a kid and she did, so she pulled some shenanigans to make that a reality.
According to an informal survey conducted by the LLS, 88 percent of men in New England have a man-crush on Tom Brady. The 12 percent who don’t are juggling multiple relationships at the moment and “just don’t have the time.”
To really know a man, you have to look at the woman by his side. When you compare the chicks that Eli Manning is going out with to the ones Tom Brady is bagging on a daily basis, it’s a no contest. Eli has apparently been dating fiancee Abby McGrew for the last five years. While this may make you more “family-oriented,” it certainly does nothing for his tabloid appeal. And the good Lord knows that being a good QB in the NFL requires that you show up on the tabloids at least once a week.
If you’re still wondering who won this category, ask yourself this question: If you went on a drinking binge with a couple of your buddies and woke up with a strange woman in your bed, would you be more pumped if it was Gisele Bundchen or Abby McGrew? Exactly.
Moving on to another important category – the best playoff beards. I hate to admit this, but I really am not a fan of the playoff beard. It just looks so lame and contrived. Plus, no one looks good in a beard if they weigh 300 pounds. So the Giants win by default because when I last checked, every Patriot besides Brady was trying to grow a little somethin’ somethin’ extra on their face. Wes Welker can’t because he’s actually a 12-year-old kid in a costume.
Another important category that often doesn’t get mentioned is “Dumbest thing ever said by a player before a big game.” And trust me when I say this, Plaxico Burress wins this in a landslide. It’s one thing to guarantee a victory a la Anthony Smith, but it’s quite another to insult the intelligence of every Patriot fan by actually predicting a score. When Tom Brady comes to the media and questions your sanity, you’ve got problems. If you don’t think that Belichick will somehow use that number to whip the Patriots into a frenzy, you’re crazy.
Now, it’s finally time for my prediction. I know a lot of you out there will say something along the lines of “well, you’re a Pats fan and a massive homer, you clearly will pick the Patriots to win.” Y’all know me too well. Of course I’m gonna pick the Pats to win. In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and say the score won’t even be close, 42-17. It’s one thing to ask the Giants to win on the road against NFC competition, but it’s quite another to ask the Giants to win on the road against the best team of this era. Also, Burress certainly didn’t help his team.
Making stupid predictions that put more pressure on your team, especially your offense, does nothing good for the morale. How stupid are you? I hope they do random drug tests after the game and find out that Burress is under the influence of an absurd amount of PCP. That would make for a great game of football and a fantastic evening of writing about it.
So there you have it, the official LLS guide to the Super Bowl. If you enjoyed it, you’ll love the Diary. If you didn’t like it, maybe you should go read something else.
Final Fact:
The 1957 Milwaukee Braves were the first baseball team to win the World Series after being relocated.
Maystrovsky’s article appears weekly. Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2009.
