College: a hallowed stepping stone in the pathway to achieving traditional Western ideas of success. Do you know what else is a hallowed stepping stone in the pathway to achieving traditional Western ideas of success? Eating ass, now, apparently.
Listen to me. Look me in my proverbial, amorphous eyes. You are the sole determiner of with who, when, and how you want to have sex. The number one rule to remember with all sexual activity is it should be something you want to do because you want to do it. Not because you feel like you have to, or because you think you should, or because it’s expected. Just because you want to.
We’re very lucky to live in the big goddamn sexual capital of the world — Rochester, New York. Here, you will encounter many bodies. Some microbial, some human. This one goes out to all my human bodies. One love.
You are currently here for Orientation Week. The “O” in “Orientation” stands for “Ogres” and also “Onprotected sex.”
Don’t do it. If there are penises present, wrap them up with a little something I like to call “the condom.” Otherwise they very closely resemble turtle heads, and are very offensive and hard to look at.
After you condomize the organ, the number one thing to remember is communication. A lot of things are better than sex, but communication is a pretty big one.
If they communicate with you by showing you their Bandcamp within the first thirty minutes of interaction, do not sleep with them. So help me, God.
If you sleep with them, when your great-great grandson Tomas decides to upend his life in the Valley in order to be the sole proprietor of a fair-trade lemon grove, every single lemon will die and also bleed human blood. And everyone will be like, “Oh my God, are those lemons actually bleeding human blood?”
If they show you their Bandcamp within the first 45 minutes, that’s okay as long as they don’t make noise rock. If they make ambient music, you can give them a handjob while yawning but that’s it. If you must have sex while listening to music, make sure it’s “Voulez-Vous” by ABBA.
After you have sex, you might feel some feelings. The feelings could range from positive, to placid, to thinking about Kathy Bates’ performance in the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes.” I saw it once when I was nine and I didn’t like it.
Accept any and all feelings that may ensue. Just like with your decision to have sex, your feelings in the aftermath will be intensely personal. Maybe you’ll just find yourself wishing you were strong enough to carry 70 pounds of salmon across a state border. I know I do.
In any case, you’re here, now. Maybe “here” is a twin sized mattress on Hoeing Hall 4, or maybe it’s in Mount Hope Cemetery, just far enough from the nearest grave that possession by a child ghost is out of the question.
But you’re still the same person. Sex gets a lot of hype, and sex in college gets even more from hook-up culture, frat parties, Michael in your WRT 105, and it can feel overwhelming when you think there’s a way everything should be.
There isn’t. Real sexual liberation is allowing yourself to do as much or as little as you want, it’s the freedom in your ability to make choices. Everything is yours.
Other than the rights to the song “Voulez-Vous” by ABBA. That’s ABBA’s.
