Once upon a time a memorial vigil was held for leaving UR administrators.
The event was presented by the Committee for Cool Administration at Upstate New York Colleges. “The whole UR community was just enraged and we wanted to offer some healing with this memorial service,” President of CCAUNYC and Provost Charles Phelps said.
The vigil began with a moment of silence for departing administrators Mary Beth Cooper and Rob Rouzer.
Master of Ceremonies and Dean of the College William Green was the first speaker, “I’M A COOL ADMINISTRATOR,” he yelled. “WHY WON’T ANYONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME?!!?”
“YOU WANT MONEY? I’LL GIVE YOU MONEY!” Green added.
An excerpt from “The Souls of Administrators” by Gary Kowalski was read afterwards. “Administrators are not things; they are not objects. Neither are they human. They are, like us, living souls, sort of,” a passage reads.
Senior and SA President John LaBoda then read a poem entitled “Lil’ Innocent Eyes” about his affair with Dean Cooper. He was promptly escorted from the stage when everyone realized that his reading had nothing to do with the vigil.
LaBoda had just returned from a party celebrating the end of his administration at the empty pub.
“I’m so glad I’m not going to be the SA President anymore,” he said.
“The poor sucker who wins this election has it coming,” he said.
Director of Security Wally Mauldin said he believed that LaBoda was showing “signs of intoxication.”
The vigil for departing administration was the latest in a rash of vigils held this week at UR.
On Monday, students assembled in Gorgen Athletic Center to participate in a vigil for school spirit. Though attendance was sparse, the two people who did participate were heard chanting, “We want to care, we want to care!!”
These two students felt that their presence at the school spirit vigil was a way in which they could personally fight the dark cloud of apathy that some students believe is so prevalent on campus.
“Resisting apathy is hard work,” freshman and President of the UR Idealists Lewis Powell said.
On Tuesday, the SA Presidential candidates held a joint vigil for improvements to student parking and to dining plans.
“We did this to show solidarity with the students who can’t find parking, who want the Corner Store expanded, and their allies,” junior Lonny Mallach said.
“I can’t make any concrete promises,” junior Adam Simmons said.
“Why don’t we ever talk anymore?” Simmons continued
“I agree,” sophomore Matt Strabone said.
Several students were in attendance at the event. “I came because I just wanted to see what was going on,” freshman Apryl Steverson said.
“I think we need a new and bigger Corner Store,” said junior Mike Bavli. “I had to wait a whole 40 minutes just to buy condoms on my declining balance.”
In an effort to boost low turnout at the new campus pub, the Pub Committee organized a vigil to lower the prices of beer.
“Everyone drinks free tonight!” said the Jolly Bartender.
Because the vigil was held in the pub, only Pub Committee Chair Mallach showed up.
“I hope everyone will come to the pub tomorrow,” senior and Pub Manager Brendan Vaughn said. “It’s quiz night!”
University Health Services reported a dramatic increase in students exhibiting signs of what they are terming “vigil phobia.”
According to Linda Dudman of UHS, the symptoms are a fear of leaving one’s room between the hours of 8 and 10 p.m., an overwhelming fear of candles and an intense aversion to unity.
“I just can’t take it any more!” said junior Dan Lioy.
“At first I thought it was just silly, but now I think it’s downright ridiculous,” Lioy continued. “I can’t even leave my room anymore.”
A vigil for the improvement of campus vigils will be held on Wednesday. The event will be sponsored by the Vigil Roundtable. Students interested in participating should meet on the steps of Rush Rhees Library at 8 p.m. Bring your own candle.
Beauty can be reached at gerald.gamm@rochester.edu.
