Countrymen, brothers, find your rest with me. Close your gaping jaws and squeal no longer.
Yes, that really happened. We all watched Spiderman giggle and kick his feet over the cutest (fake) date ever. In the visual embodiment of “jk, jk … unless,” Amelia Dimoldenberg and Andrew Garfield teamed up this Saturday to unite America through collective heart failure. After years of flirty red-carpet interactions, Andrew and Amelia’s long-awaited Chicken Shop Date dropped (conveniently following Garfield’s recent break-up).
The premise of this show, a beautiful woman taking A-list celebrities on awkward first dates to chicken shops, is excellent. Episodes are flirty, even suggestive, but unserious, making this a (swoon-worthy) departure.
If you are not one of this video’s 7.5 million views, stop reading and catch up. As a nation, we need to be on the same page now more than ever. To those who have seen it, how are you coping with the feelings in your body? I am genuinely asking. If any of you have suggestions for giggle-induced cheek pain, please write in. My body is full of bees, and they are all inappropriately invested in this relationship. Never have I felt a stronger parasocial connection, and I have a shrine to Dolly Parton. Andrew Garfield, down horrendous as you are, I understand you. I, too, have been at the mercy of beautiful, impossible women. Your performance was admirable, all things considered.
The show’s nature puts Garfield at a disadvantage, something he clocked and immediately ignored. His determination to get to know Amelia was so strong it changed the show’s genre. He asked more questions than she did. Many celebrities have successfully flirted with Amelia, but no one else has seriously asked her thoughts on marriage and children while visibly planning their life together. It took my terminally unimpressed roommate and I 30 minutes to watch an 11-minute video, because every time we relaxed, someone would say something insane. It was like getting third-party-edged by romance. At some point Andrew started looking into the camera, Fleabag style, as if to say, “Oh, you’re still here?” He later proposed this date be a rehearsal, to which she replied that he had her number. Which could mean nothing. Amelia frequently broke character, but didn’t fold, placing her up there with the Dalai Lama in self-control. If Andrew Garfield told me I was funnier than him then looked at me like that? Those cameras are going bye-bye.
The meta-ness of it all, knowing they’re professional liars, makes this a dizzying watch. I was more conflicted than when I realized I was gay at a Tennessee single-gender school. It’s possible this was an elaborate ruse to promote Garfield’s movie, but I doubt it. Maybe I’m a romantic, but the fact that I don’t know the movie’s name after four watches leads me to believe that was not the goal.
Although the interview ends with an open-ended exchange —
Amelia: “We have to stop this now.” (referring to the interview)
Andrew: “But how?” (NOT referring to the interview)
— I doubt we will get any sort of public resolution, so this will likely be our only glimpse into whatever this is. But what a glimpse!
Yours,
Zoë Miles
Coping suggestions can be sent to my home office. I will be out on lovesick leave for the indeterminable future, so leave them at the door.
