If you’re a UR student, you’ve probably had your fair share of experiences running into someone you’re trying to avoid. The number of times I’ve run into the same person within 48 hours makes me look like a stalker, although I swear I am not.
Most advice articles will probably tell you the opposite — that is, how to stalk someone. If you’re looking for that, this is not the guide for you. For my own future reference, and to your benefit, I’ve decided to compile a list of helpful tips on how to anti-stalk someone.
- Have a routine, and stick with it. It may seem counterintuitive, but having a consistent rotation of go-to spots on campus will actually reduce the chance of an unlucky encounter with your stalkee (the person you’ve accidentally been stalking). Most unlucky encounters happen by chance — not by routine. By increasing the amount of control and order in your life, you reduce your chances of accidentally stalking someone. No one in this generation can commit anyways — you can’t expect them to a) have a routine, or b) have a routine that is the same as yours.
- Go out of your way to go places your stalkee could never be at. If your stalkee looks like someone who would never set foot in a gym, go to the gym. They go to your church? Choose a new religion. The more time you spend in places your stalkee 100% won’t be at, the less time you’ll have to run into them. You might even discover new hobbies (or faiths) along the way.
- Expect the unexpected. Who would be in the stacks on a Friday evening? WRONG. This mentality is shortsighted. This is exactly what your stalkee would want you to think; don’t fall prey to it. This leads me to my next point…
- Join the crowds. I’m one for avoiding all sorts of crowds — I’ll drop by the dining halls at weird times, sacrifice my sugar rush to save myself from waiting in the atrocious Starbucks lines, and plop down in obscure nooks and crannies to avoid the library prison cell-like array of students cramming for the upcoming orgo exam. But think again: Your stalkee is smart, too. Being alone is a stalkee magnet. So, get lost in the crowds — the time you waste spend is an investment and worth the peace of mind.
- When you do see your stalkee, run away. I don’t think there’s a need to explain this one, but if you run fast enough, the encounter doesn’t count.
- If you see your anti-stalker, also run away. Just be nice and save them the embarrassment. Your anti-stalker is probably trying just as hard to avoid you (they can’t help that you guys are fated).
- Develop a distraction or cover. When you lock eye contact with your stalkee, immediately look at the person behind them and then turn to your friend: “OMG, I didn’t know that [insert first name you can think of] was in a frat!” Say this in a hushed voice, but loud enough for your stalkee to hear. They will feel mortified that they ever assumed that you were seeking out and talking about them, and will never assume that you were (anti-)stalking them. Each time you do this counteracts one incident of stalking, and if you do this enough times, they’ll look like the stalker. How the turns have tabled.
- Worst comes to worst, move off-campus. Most people who live off-campus do not come to campus. That’s a fact.
- Worst comes to worst comes to worst, drop out of UR. If they’re willing to follow you to Florida or whichever destination your heart desires, chances are higher that they have a greater, unhealthier affinity for Disney World and sinking coastlines than you. Or maybe they just really like alligators.
- Worst comes to worst comes to worst comes to worst, give up. Become a different person. Don’t allow your enemy to drag you down to their level. Go to therapy, reach out to your friends, and go on walks.
And there you go, a comprehensive list on how to anti-stalk your special someone. Still, it’s best to keep in mind that if none of these tips work, rethink who’s the stalker and stalkee. (If you’re the stalkee, I’m so sorry. But that’s for another article.) Best of luck in your endeavors, anti-stalkers.
*The content of this article is only for humor purposes and should not be taken as clinical advice.
