Another year, another seventeen games, and another devastating playoff loss for the Bills. Us true fans pour hours and hours of our time into season after season, just to see the same result every time. Our depressing fandom conversations start with us tricking ourselves into thinking this is our year. “No for real this time, like the Chiefs are so much worse now, and Brady finally retired.” But there’s always a new way to get punched in the gut. If the NFL really is scripted, then they have Bills fans reliving the last scene of “Titanic” as we sink into the depths of mediocrity. Every. Single. Year.
I mean come on, I’ve been watching ever since I was born, and I can’t think of a single good Bills memory. It’s just been a bunch of bottom ten quarterbacks auditioning for the XFL, wondering how much money they’ll make playing in Canada next year. The announcer’s voice from an uncountable number of devastating losses rings in my ears like the screech from a 6-year-old’s first violin note.
I don’t know why we get called the Bills Mafia, ‘cause we’ve done nothing resembling organized crime and planned destruction. The only part that makes us a mafia is how we stick together like a Great Depression-era family. But instead of getting revenge, we just sing wedding songs from the ‘80s, tricking ourselves into a moment of happiness amid another devastating year. Yeah of course the Bills make me want to shout, but mostly obscenities at the terrible fourth quarter coaching and defensive miscues.
All they do is get your hopes up just to trample them again, knowing that these tortured fans will somehow get back up, just to find out where we end up next year. Are the rest of our lives really that boring? It’s like reading a children’s book for the 70th time and being surprised at the ending. “No way the Chiefs beat us again! Who saw that one coming?” Oh, but this time it will be different, the optimists among us say. Really, the aging team with a terrible cap situation, one good receiver, and the most turnover prone QB in the league is going undefeated? Just admit it –– we missed our 13 second window to Taylor Swift’s boyfriend and Mahomes’s Kermit the Frog face two years ago. It’s over.
The loss was so bad, the NFL retroactively changed its overtime rules, just in time for Mahomes to win another Super Bowl using it. Sprinkle in about 8 season ending injuries right before the wild card round and you have a recipe for the saddest franchise in league history.
I’m sick of pretending anyone will beat Mahomes. His team wasn’t even good, yet time and time again he elevated his subpar supporting cast with his impeccable timing and perfect accuracy. And he gets to play the hero, lighting up every stadium with his annoying mannerisms and 59th State Farm ad, each cockier than the last. I hate how good he is.I think Bills fandom and depression symptoms are so closely related, people are getting misdiagnosed in Buffalo. At this point, they should hold group therapy and reminisce about the 4 Super bowls that we lost in the 90s. ESPN even made a documentary called “The 4 Falls of Buffalo,” depicting each loss in excruciating detail. How is the best show about our fandom more depressing than “The Whale”? Seriously, I think most of the fans there for the first wide-right kick were prescribed opioids to deal with that loss. Mix that with the fact that half of all football fans over 35 are alcoholics (totally real stat definitely not made up), and you end up with a horde of people that think breaking tables is more entertaining than actually watching football.
Seriously, how many times can you watch a team hit every checkpoint, convincing you that their time is now, just to watch the drunk, snow covered fans shove their way out to their cars, all of them thinking how it wouldn’t be too terrible if they slipped on the ice and hit their head. At least they might forget how the ball changed directions mid air, just to miss the goal post again.
But maybe Bills fans are proof of the good in the world, proof that humanity doesn’t give up. No matter how pointless it is, they keep fighting to see the next play. They are loyal and fierce defenders of a flawed team, talking up a nonexistent defense and Josh Allen’s reckless decisions. Our delusions are what power society –– without them, our country would be lost. We are the boxer who never gives up, no matter how many times the Patriots and Chiefs bite our ear off like Mike Tyson. The countless concussive blows we’ve been given let us press on like we don’t even remember getting hit at all. So next time you see a wild Bills fan, and trust me they’re tough to miss, think a bit about how each playoff disappointment is burned deeper in their brain than their own kids’ faces. And of course we’ll waste away again on our couch next season. Cause for real this time, it’s finally our year.
