Are you the problem?
Do you want to be?
For everyone out there who’s been through dorm life — sailed that ship, sunk it, reenacted the end of Titanic throwing the key to your triple from hell into the sea — you know that it, uh, could be worse. Maybe a little. A teensy, weensy, widdle maybe perhaps. But I’m going to inspire you to be the best badass chef you can be through the power of neurotypicality and stolen Hillside produce.
Cooking. Your friend’s mom does it! Also other people! Irrelevant of which MILF you most frequently imagine swaying to “Stacy’s Mom” in only an apron and baking you cookies with all the love your own mother never gave you, cooking is hot — uh, I mean, good. Cooking is good for you. You should do it more!
Bestie, I know you’re busy. So I’ve compiled a list of the five best recipes for you to make in your communal kitchen! Bring all the boys to the yard with a homemade milkshake. Brew mead, or something. Avoid scurvy!
- Cheese and mac.
You’ve heard of mac and cheese. This is more fun because it’s the exact same but people will assume you’ve subverted some core aspect of its nature and ironically stuck a cutesy inversion on top. Watch that Guy Who Grills (you know who you are), ask about “the ratios, dude, I’m thinking 70:30? You’re playing a risky game,” and nod knowingly. They’ll never see the light of the empty Kraft boxes decomposing in the wasteland of your room. For extra flavor, grind up some Adderall and mix it in with the water. Both your grades and your toilet will thank you.
2. Sloppy Joe
You know you want it.
- 1 small onion, finely chopped
- 1/2 green bell pepper, freshly seeded
- 1 Tbsp worcestershire sauce
- 1 tsp yellow mustard (of the expired variety)
- 1/4 cup water, but not too wet (yet)
- 1 Tbsp brown sugar
- 15 oz can tomato sauce, or maybe blood — anything red will do
- 1 lb lean ground beef, 85%-90% lean and sweaty from the gym
- 1 Tbsp olive oil
- ½ tsp salt, or to taste, as much as you can take
- ¼ tsp ground black pepper
- 3 garlic cloves, minced, squeezed, screaming is fine
- 4 hamburger buns, roasted if desired (Comedy Central-recommended)
3. Penne à la vodka
Got liquor you need to get rid of before your RA sees it? Can I suggest heating it on a stove and hoping for the best? First, take your pasta. Place it in water (shocking, I know) and let it heat on the stove until the liquid moves. My mom never really explained this to me because I am clinically unable to pay attention, but I think you gotta wait until it starts leaping. When you’re bored, try sticking a bare finger in and grabbing a tube. Eat it! Or die trying! Boil your alc and add stuff, maybe some milk and butter? Sauce is what you make of it. I’d get wasted on some dinner. Maybe the burn of swallowing uncooked noodles will numb my pain.
4. Eggs
Are they real? Sometimes I wonder. There are many ways you can prepare what was from the womb untimely ripped: a stove, a microwave, or your own warm, moist breath hoping for the best. Eggs are great! Enjoy them in a variety of settings: sobbing on your floor, sobbing in the kitchen, or concluding a mutually beneficial meth deal in your shared lounge. Shoot for the stars and consume them in a form other than scrambled. I’m kidding. You’re not based enough for the Egg.
5. Popcorn
FIRE!!!!!!!!!!
Bonus: Dissolved Tylenol in lukewarm water
Ever since I was a child, I’ve been fascinated by bees. Their buzzing exhilarates memories of a foregone childhood, my beloved grandfather tending to his garden. The world was simpler when all the harmony I needed to preoccupy myself with was bugs and flowers, without a clue as to the instabilities of marriage, divorce, civil-war themed second weddings, and estrangement from your mailman. In my adult life, I’ve come to regard this recipe as a metaphor for my immortal soul: the fine powder representing the parts of me which cannot be broken, and the warm liquid the ever-changing course of life. Reflect on your sins as you sip the beverage of my youth; in days to come, I hope it will outlive me.
That’s it for now, folks! Happy cooking!
