Alright folks, welcome to the annual University of Rochester Move On in Marathon, also known and loved as UR MOM! As always, we would like to extend a heartfelt thank you to our sponsors: Amazon Prime and Nepotism! Be sure to check out Amazon’s new original show, “Saving Your Ass Again because You Forgot to Buy Pens You Dipshit,” and all the fun bonus features like “Yes You Do Need Another Bathroom Towel Rack” and “Look Who’s Critical of Corporations Now.”
Also here with me is my co-host, Bob. Bob is an experienced mover-inner, and most definitely not a cardboard box! Now onto the event!
It’s a beautiful Thursday morning, and hundreds of bright-eyed first-years are preparing for their first meaningful life decision. Let me tell you folks, this is a real intense batch. We’ve already seen some creative use of sidewalk space, such as one first year Chatheiryn Smith, who took up 30 square feet of the PepsiCo Plaza with her nucleo-mercury retrograde-enlightened crystal collection.
Oh! It looks like they’re decorating the doors to the freshman housing! Oh, wait, no, that’s an RA barricading themselves inside Hoeing Hall. Campus security is on the job!
Look at that situational de-escalation, only two near-fatal wounds!
Alright, the doors are now actually opened, let’s see how these first years tackle moving in their stuff. Now, Bob, this is really going to highlight these athletes’ packing abilities. I’ve seen competitors get everything in one trip, but I’ve also seen 78 trips. This is the chance for some people to pull ahead early. What are your thoughts on packing approaches, Bob?
*cardboard box noises*
Oh! We’ve got our first meltdown! It looks like a sister who was “helping out” is now, let’s see, jealous of her brother’s laundry basket, despite never having seen a washing machine in person! Wow, look at those waterworks.
Across the street, our first groups are finishing up! Chadley McKyleson carried three minifridges in one trip with his toes because he “never skips leg day bruh.”
So far, not much action besides the usual lamenting of forgotten phone chargers, and with that, we’re gonna take a brief commercial break. Stay tuned for Target runs and Decorations!
***
Hey students, do you exist? Do you have responsibilities? Do you hate it here? If you answered any of the above (no need for an affirmative response), then look no further than the new amusement park coming near you! It’s a one-ride park, with its main, and only, attraction, the Sewer Slide! Tickets are free of monetary cost, and instead will be paid in soul-crushing grief! Come on down!
***
Welcome back folks! Bob and I were just having a lively discussion about who we think is going to win the superlative “Most Distraught Mother.” So far we’ve had 15 bouts of sobs, eight wailings, and one ambulance called due to a literally rib-cracking hug.
Most of our contestants have arranged their things, and, without fail, they all forgot something. It looks like, yup, phone chargers take the lead again for most forgotten item. A real classic for this event, it’s just not UR MOM without the stress of a dying phone!
Look at all those cars pulling out like they have anywhere to go! Ah, Bob, do you remember the naive belief that it was possible to exit a parking lot within two hours?
*vague cardboard musings*
Too true Bob, too true.
And they’re off to Target! Our first lucky vehicles have successfully evacuated onto Mt. Hope Road. Looks like the leaders are going about 35 miles over the speed limit, what commitment!
The doors at Target have been breached! There’s already a 45 minute line at Starbucks! The ramen section is desecrated! What will it be next?
Parents storm the tide pod aisle, and we’ve got a stream of younger siblings making back-to-school-snack jokes. Oh, there’s a couple snags as students argue with parents over how many dryer sheets they’re going to need. Hopefully Mcarthy can recover.
Wowser, would you look at that Bob! I think we’ve got our first family finishing up. They’re in the checkout line, they’re gonna take the lead and –
Oh! Nope, the mom is running to grab “one more thing sweetie hold on no you need succulent string lights.” So close, folks.
Alright, we’re nearing the conclusion of day one. With UR MOM wrapping up for the evening, the top three first years are Jason, Jen, and Jennifer. Those ‘J’ names, folks, they’ll always getcha. You hear that Jake!? I haven’t forgotten!
Tune in tomorrow for the thrilling second day of UR MOM, always a competition, always crazy. This is Bob and your ominous host, signing off!
