“Hi. I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual and I’m uncertain about who to come out to first, or if I should even do it at all. Some of my friends have come out to their best friend or their family first, but I don’t really know what to do. I have people I trust and I know that they wouldn’t ostracize me for it, but I’m just scared of them thinking about me differently. People say to take my time and that I’ll know when I’m ready to tell people about it. How will I even be able to tell if I’m ready or not? What do you think I should do?”
Coming out can be scary as hell. On the other hand, one of the good things about it is that you (ideally) have complete control over the situation. In other words, you get to decide what you want to say and who to say it to.
I’m going to start this off with something about myself, and then segue into some advice, if that’s alright with you. To put it simply, I questioned my own sexuality in the past. And guess what? Nothing changed — well, nothing except me developing a greater understanding of myself. Regardless, I’m still me, and I’m still the person that my loved ones know me to be. Many of my friends have also dealt with the same issue that you’re dealing with right now.
All of these experiences have led me to the realization that no matter your sexuality, your personality is not required to be based around it. It is just a part of you, just like your academic interests and your music taste (although it’s arguably more profound than these examples). The same goes with gender identity. These things don’t have to define us if we don’t want them to. So, as long as you are comfortable with how you perceive yourself, then nothing else matters in this situation. If you’re not, then give yourself some more time to think about it and process it more. It also may or may not help to try to talk to someone about it when you do.
Additionally, you don’t necessarily have to come out to anyone. You can easily just keep it to yourself and move on with your life if you’d rather do that instead. There’s nothing wrong with doing that. On the other hand, some people use coming out as a way to process their situation further and to make it feel real. Others may come out because they don’t want to feel like they are hiding something from their loved ones. It’s all based on what you are comfortable with. But, it’s your call. What’s the first feeling that comes to mind when you think about coming out? Fear? Relief? Dread? Happiness?
In any case, the most important thing is to understand and process what being bisexual means to you. Not everyone who is bisexual experiences it the same way: I know some people who are more attracted to a particular gender, some who share their attraction equally amongst multiple genders, and some whose attraction fluctuates depending on the day! Human sexuality is fascinating.
Once you’re able to figure that stuff out, you’ll know what to do. But again, please be patient with yourself. It won’t do you any good to beat yourself up for not knowing what to do.
Here’s some really helpful information and tips from the Trevor Project about coming out and bisexuality. I’d highly suggest looking at them if you would like a more professional viewpoint.
– Riley.
