Many people, if not most, find it all but impossible to separate the name Tony Hawk from commercial skateboarding. The face, well, that’s another story.
But Mr. Hawk has allegedly made a resurgence, and is quite possibly bigger than he’s ever been.
In the past week, public confusion has amassed across the country concerning just how big Tony Hawk has become. On his encounter with a tree-sized man that he later identified as Tony Hawk in the woods, backpacker and Los Angeles County resident Hugh Chalk reported that Tony, smiling from the treetops as if to say hello, parted the canopy with his hands to get a good look at his fellow trail-goer. While struck at the sight of such a massive human being, the trail-goer was mostly bewildered that the man he’d seen hiking had been pro-skateboarding legend Tony Hawk.
“I didn’t really recognize him at first,” Chalk said. “He looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him. It was only later when I read about his new game that I made the connection. I knew he was big but, like, man, I didn’t know he was that big! Like, I didn’t think they made skateboards that size.”
More recently, one commercial airline reported a near-collision with a highly developed caucasian calf at around 5,000 feet elevation. Considering his recent growth, the calf is presumed to have been Mr. Hawk’s. At the time of this writing, no passenger has come forth to confirm the identity of the giant man.
Although nobody has been able to identify him directly, one thing remains relatively clear: Tony Hawk (we’re 90% sure it’s him) is getting bigger, and fast. In fact, his rapid growth has been a cause for serious concern for many theoretical physicists.
UR’s own Physics department released a statement on Hawk’s exponential growth, saying that “we have good reason to believe that, at this rate, we may soon see a Tony-Hawk-induced event horizon. Tony Hawk may become so massive that he collapses in on himself, swallowing our entire galaxy and sending our solar system into oblivion, ending life on Earth as we know it.”
They went on to dub this event phenomenon as the “pro-skater gravitational singularity 2021.” This is slated to occur as early as mid-April of next year. In the face of the apocalypse, trolls have taken to the internet with an onslaught of internet memes, many featuring a Pac-Man-esque photoshop job of Tony Hawk’s face, mouth agape, swallowing the galaxy like a Pac-dot.
Amid the chaos, one question continues to confuse the general public: Just how did Tony Hawk — and we’re almost positive it’s him — get so big?
Some say that Tony Hawk owes his size to his skateboarding prowess or to his line of Hawk brand merchandise, but most point to the recent re-release of “Pro Skater 1 & 2” as the probable cause for what has become his nearly exponential growth. UR Sophomore and physics major Ben Wyatt said that“Tony Hawk would never have gotten this big without his Pro Skater series. A lot of people think that it was his skateboarding itself, but I would say that’s probably inaccurate. With each purchase of his game, Tony Hawk gets much bigger.”
After a series of Twitter DMs — in which we shamelessly plugged our review of the skating series — the Campus Times was able to cinch an interview with Mr. Hawk himself. Sadly, the results were far from enlightening.
After gearing up with a high-powered voice projection system, our reporters hopped in a helicopter and flew into the stratosphere for a face-to-face interview with Tony Hawk.
After some initial confusion over whether the giant man was in fact pro-skating veteran Tony Hawk — because, it was “hard to recognize him,” as the pilot recalled — the team attempted to ask their questions.
The wind’s intensity made the large man’s response indiscernible. A turbulence-provoking sneeze from the giant man in combination with the buffeting winds destabilized the chopper and sent it careening back toward Earth. We have no leads on the team’s whereabouts.
So while we were unable to get a first-hand confirmation, we’re decently confident that what they say is true: Tony Hawk is big, like, really big, and he’s only getting bigger by the day. May God have mercy on all of our souls.
