Note: there are actually only five endings. Illustration by Dalia Mitchell
Overwhelmed by everything there is to see and do on the River Campus? Quietly terrified that everyone here is more worldly and attractive than you? Flipping over to the Humor section because you haven’t been here long enough for the News and Features articles to have any context or meaning for you?
Fear not! We at the Campus Times are here to help! Play our Choose Your Own Adventure game and let us tell you how to be an independent person!
START: You’re standing on the curb outside your dorm, watching your parents pull away. This is the closest you’ve ever been to true freedom in your entire life. How does it make you feel, champ?
Empowered (proceed to A2) or Terrified (proceed to B1)
A2: Hell yeah, you’re master of your universe now!
Yeah! I wanna go explore! (proceed to A3) or Yeah, like in those Ayn Rand books! Some of her ideas seem really cool to me! (proceed to A6)
A3: You walk through campus, watching people moving in all over the place. New friends help lug around fridges and TVs, and old friends reconnect after a summer away. A new community is building itself up around you.
I want to get in there and meet some people! (proceed to A4) or That’s real fucking neato but I’m actually just here to party (proceed to B3)
A4: Wait, like, right now? Just walk up to someone and talk to them? Wouldn’t your rather go meet people through some elaborate activities fair or something?
Yeah, I’ll just walk right up! (proceed to A5) or On second thought, I’ll try the activities fair (proceed to C2)
A5: Your tremendous lack of social inhibition makes you a god at this school. You no longer need this article’s help, and I for one am in awe of you. The End
A6: As soon as you think this, a meteorite strikes you square in the forehead, killing you instantly. No one is sad about it. The End
B1: Totally understandable. While you were still unpacking, your RA stuck their head in your door and said something about a hall meeting. Maybe you should go to that? Kinda ease into this whole “socializing” thing?
The RA actually said it was “mandatory” and fear of breaking any rules ever is what got me into UR, so yes (proceed to B2) or I think maybe I’m just gonna play Pokemon in my room for the next two to four months (proceed to C1)
B2: You sit down in the common room with everyone else from your floor. The RA alternates between fire safety instructions and icebreakers. Everything stays nice and calm until one of your floor mates nudges you and asks, sotto voce, if you want to go to a party with some other people from the floor after the meeting.
You know what? Sure! Thanks to the icebreakers I now know not one but TWO people’s names! I can do anything! (proceed to B3) or I think I just want to take some time to explore campus on my own, actually (proceed to A3) or That scares me so much that I actually just want to run back to my room and never leave (proceed to C1)
B3: Oh! Okay then. You head over to an off-campus frat, where a hundred or so people you will never see again and one person you will somehow see once a week until you graduate are milling around in what is either a driveway or a vacant lot next to the house. Just a quick check-in, did you go to the mandatory floor meeting?
Yes! It was mandatory! (proceed to B4) or …what mandatory hall meeting? (proceed to B5)
B4: You have a great time! You have a support system of friends whose names you all know! You’re living the collegiate dream!
I did it! (proceed to C3) or I would like to stop playing this Choose Your Own Adventure Game immediately, please (close this issue of the Campus Times, place it down next you, and walk away)
B5: Someone emerges from the human crush next to the house and starts talking to you excitedly. They know your name, your roommate’s name, how you decorated your dorm, everything. You’ve never seen them before in your life. What do you do?
Guess that their name is Alex (proceed to B6) or It’s only the first day, even though it feels bad I bet if I just say I never caught their name, they won’t mind (proceed to A6)
B6: Holy shit! You were right! Their name is Alex!
Hell yes! (proceed to A5) or Fuck yes! (also proceed to A5, but in a less family friendly manner)
C1: You become one of those weird hermit kids that sleeps at bizarre hours and only eats at, like, Optikale. You never go to class and your hair is eighty percent dust. Everyone thinks you might be part lemur. At least the other hermit kids accept you as one of their own. On those rare occasions when you all step out in public together, you make far too much noise and annoy everyone around you. Is that fine by you?
Maybe I should join an improv group instead? (proceed to C2) or Yeah this is basically who I am as a person (proceed to C3)
C2: You join an improv group. The End
C3: You still eventually join an improv group. The End
