18 years after Florida decided to let nine people in funny robes, not from their state vote for President on their behalf, the state’s midterm elections for Governor and Senator went to a recount.
The process was plagued by several counties that procrastinated their ballot counting, and the Secretary of State, who refused to extend the due date even though the counties claimed they were really busy.
“Article Two, Title Seven, Chapter Four, Section One, Clause 398 of the Florida State Constitution says that the state is physically incapable of making decisions,” said Mark Law, an attorney from Jacksonville who specializes in elections litigation. “In fact, Miami-Dade, Palm Beach, and Broward Counties were only accepted into the state on the condition that their votes would never matter due to recounts.”
In both races, an electronic recount resulted in an exact tie. Then, when the remaining counties finished their recounts, the Gubernatorial race remained tied, but incumbent Democratic Senator Bill Nelson gained a one-vote lead over Republican Governor Rick Scott.
“It’s a rigged system,” President Trump said in support of Governor Scott. “How can we expect to have a fair chance of winning if more people vote for the other side?”
However, a subsequent mandatory hand recount returned the Senate race to a tie, while the Governor’s race also remained deadlocked. The hand recount was notably interrupted when Florida man Alan E. Gator ran across a courtroom naked while high on crystal meth, only to run into his ex-wife in a situation that involved fisticuffs.
Weeks after the vote occurred, there is still doubt surrounding the outcome. “It’s really a shame that the process has dragged on for so long,” Democratic candidate for Governor Andrew Gillum said. “It’s delaying my fundraising abilities for my 2020 Presidential campaign.”
With both races still tied, Florida law grants the State Supreme Court the ability to decide by any other non-biased means. Chief Justice Chancellor Luck-Gavel ruled that the election would be decided by coin flip. Republicans attempted to use the “Heads I win, tails you lose” trick, but it didn’t matter since the coin landed perfectly on its side.
The Florida Supreme Court then gave up, and scheduled a redo of the election in December, drawing the ire of many who spent hours waiting in line to vote the first time. “I don’t want no Yankee snowbirds coming down here and voting for our god-fearing officials,” panhandle native Buck Strongguy said while holding a rifle.
In addition to Senate and Governor, the special election will also include the race for Florida Agriculture Commissioner, which apparently is a thing. The voters of Florida now continue to consider making up their minds.
