Despite high hopes from students, faculty, staff, and Jon Snow, University President Richard Feldman’s plans seem to have gone up in snow.
Within the first day of Feldman’s presidency, temperatures plummeted over 30 degrees and a bomb cyclone hit campus, ultimately dumping more than a foot of snow on unsuspecting students, staff, and furry pals alike.
Last Friday morning, UR announced that it was closing the Memorial Art Gallery and that the River Campus and Eastman School of Music would have a delayed opening.
“We have delayed openings?” said Everett Jinkerbury, a janitor at the University. “I’ve spent most of my life at this school, and we’ve never had a delayed opening. This is Rochester, not some town in New Jersey.”
After extensive research and interviews with members of the University community, the Campus Times has learned that the shift in weather was no mere accident. It was the result of Feldman attempting to operate the University’s weather machine without looking at any instruction manuals beforehand.
“I called Richard up at 4:00 a.m. on Friday to ask him if we should shut down the University because of the snow,” weather machine engineer Sonny Daze said in an interview. “All I heard on the other end was a groggy, ‘Wait, it’s snowing? Oh, so that’s what the ? button does.’”
In an exclusive copy of the weather machine’s manual obtained by the Campus Times, the instructions say that the button should only be used between the months of November and February or on Graduation Day.
The situation prompted outrage amid UR’s groundhogs and squirrels, who protested in front of Wallis Hall last Friday and Saturday.
“I emerged from my burrow on Tuesday because it was beautiful out,” resident groundhog Woody Chuck said while picketing. “I thought with Seligman leaving we could finally be freed from student harassment, but instead we’ve been assaulted with snow. Now the only grass we have access to is the weird kind those frat bois give to us.”
The storm’s impact extended even deeper than the burrows beneath the buildings. Rumors circulated around campus that the storm was so bad that even Hell itself had frozen over.
In an exclusive interview at his winter residence in the Bausch & Lomb tunnel, the Devil expressed his frustration with the sudden change in weather.
“Listen, I’m all for a little chaotic weather ruining people’s weekends, but this is out of hand,” he said. “I had just turned the heat down a little since it seemed like it was warming up for spring, and then this storm came and managed to put out all the flames in the fiery pits!”
Dining Services informed the Campus Times that the Pit has no affiliation with the Devil.
“Thanks to this new president goofing around with the weather machine,” the Devil continued, “I had to spend all weekend relighting the fires with Jaeger’s office furniture and all those papers the humanities students keep writing.”
Asked to comment on the Devil’s situation, a University representative simply said, “Helliora.”
While the Campus Times could not verify that Hell had in fact frozen over, Public Safety officers reported they had seen a higher-than-normal number of demons, imps, and other infernal monsters in the stacks over the weekend.
No demons accepted a request for comment, but offered students the opportunity to trade their souls for an “A” on their next midterm.
Despite the criticism, Feldman was undeterred, praising the University’s response to the storm.
“Going forward I will display more caution regarding the use of the weather machine,” Feldman said. “But I’m proud of our ability to respond to major storms like these. They said Hell would freeze over before we would shut our campus, but even when Hell actually froze over our Facilities crew had us open by 10 a.m.”
