I have no idea whatsoever why I feel the need to write this right now. However, for some unknown reason, I very much wish to submit a comprehensive checklist of items of importance that I believe everyone should own in the event of a possible apocalypse.
Unfortunately, I cannot predict the nature of said apocalypse. I suppose it will entail zombies, tidal waves, or the rise of the Planet of the Orange Orangutans. I do know, however, that this checklist will prepare you for whatever could possibly come your way. So, without further ado: you’re welcome.
Fire Finishers: Everyone and their mother is going to tell you that fire starters are the key to survival. This is not the case. Studies show that in the average apocalypse, survivors will spend up to 30 percent of their time putting out fires, not starting them. The remaining 70 percent usually involves finding human ears to put around one’s human ear necklace.
The Keys: Nothing—I repeat, nothing—will be more vital to your survival than accumulating every last one of the keys. I’m almost fearful to write this, as I know they don’t want you to know about them, but I feel I must.
Shares in All-Star Products: As the world around us crumbles into a hellish warzone (for reasons that I cannot possibly predict), the corporation that markets the Snuggie will obviously become the most profitable company in the globe. The Snuggie’s advanced warmth- and mobility-providing technology will make it the ideal garb of all survivors, especially when All-Star Products roll out the armored version that comes with two DVDs, free of charge!
A car that doesn’t magically refuse to start the moment you need it most: I’ve seen countless documentaries where would-be survivors are foiled by a vehicle that can’t seem to function right at the moment that the zombie horde is closing in. Whether it was “The Walking Dead,” “I Am Legend,” or “World War Z,” these documentaries inform us of just how important it is to invest in a car that will not fail you in an almost cinematically ironic way.
One Amenity Kit from American Airlines: For those of you who have had the fabulous experience of flying with American Airlines, one of the greatest perks of signing your soul over to them to become a Premium Member is the complimentary amenity kit you’ll receive for your flight. As you can imagine, the airline spared no expense in putting these things together and one could feasibly live out the rest of their days surviving off of the contents of one of these treasure troves.
A block of ice: These objects are so innovative, so revolutionary, so ingenious in their simplicity, that they provide truly immeasurable utility in the event of the very unlikely apocalypse. For one thing, they serve as a bag weight so no sudden gusts of wind will be able to carry your Amenity Kit away. Additionally, they can be used as a flotation device, a source of drinking water, and a weapon, if one can throw it hard enough.
A tattoo gun: Once the gangs of marauders start to take over the Wastelands that were once the United States of America, it will be important that you and your group have a clear and well-defined brand. The easiest way to start with this is matching butt tattoos, of course.
A friend who won’t just walk into a dark building with nothing but a flashlight: We all have that one friend with an uncanny ability to get into trouble. Whether it’s wandering into the basement late at night in their underwear because they totally heard a noise down there, or taking a midnight swim in shark-infested waters, you need to cut this friend out of your group ASAP.
Two golden retrievers: It is very important that these dogs be named Chester and Commander. It is also very important that they heel at all times, never bark, and wear bandanas.
The Tops Bonus Card: At the advent of the world’s end, do you think Tops will maintain their superbly low prices? You’re damn right they won’t. Grab one of these cards and start cutting out coupons!
A hat, in case it’s sunny: This one really needs no more explanation.
Be the one person in the world whose blood holds the secret to the cure: Who’s laughing now, you jerks?
A sundial: What makes this piece of gear so valuable is its incredible mobility. In the event that the sun is covered by the moon for all eternity, tough luck.
The Elder Wand: I’ll say it—Harry Potter was an idiot for giving up that thing. How is a gang of bandits going to steal your water supply after you go all Petrificus Totalus on their asses?
A bundle of straws: When it comes time for one your group members to perform some life-threatening task, you’ll be the hero of the hour for having this item. It allows everyone to draw straws without the hassle of a reasoned debate about who really should undertake the mission.
