Kanye West has recently come under fire for his inability to fund his own creativity. Specifically, his plea for help from Mark Zuckerberg and Larry Page has brought an unprecedented level of desperation to his plan to dig himself out of his debt of $53 million. This entails organizing and funding the company, DONDA, which will cover everything from the Internet to alternative energy sources. Kanye’s innovative ideas included holograms and hovercrafts. I was interested to see what ideas didn’t actually make it past the drawing board, so we reached out to DONDA Headquarters (located entirely in Mr. West’s imagination), and were happy to receive this comprehensive list of game-changers, broken down into several categories.
Trademarks and patents
Inflatable furniture
Inflatable appliances
Inflatable houses (not to be confused with Bouncey-Bounce Houses)
Management
Turn the government into a corporation. Governors will be branch managers. The President will be the CEO. Boom.
Kanye West 2020. You’re welcome.
Internet
Online dating coaches
Hype, a new video-chatting app where you’re just talking to yourself to get yourself motivated for the day.
Sexflix. Need I say more?
Online shopping coaches
Emoji translator
More Kim Kardashian apps
Wellness
Revitalize urban foraging until we achieve a scavenger-like society.
New brand of Fiji Water that is 40% alcohol by volume.
Ultra-Health, a dietary/life plan that mixes juicing, yoga, meditation, dewdrops, standing desks, the energy of the sun, and some recreational substances.
Marketing
Choose-Your-Own-Adventure–style advertising, where viewers and listeners pick the products they want to hear about, like a Pinterest feed.
Haterade. Because nothing fuels me like haters.
Protective services
Chainsaw hand replacements
New line of Kimye brand Brass Knuckles
Pursue J.K. Rowling’s innovative Invisibility Cloaks
Wolves armed with sniper rifles
F**k it. The “bad guy” in Jurassic World was a genius. Why wouldn’t we create and train velociraptors for the Army?
Transportation
Transformers (Only Autobots, no Decepticons)
Hoverboards, Round Two (I could do it better)
Those Tron light bikes with the sick colors
Mirrors to replace stop signs, so people at least have to look at themselves when they’re being an asshole at a four-way intersection
Hospitality
Bring-your-own-sheets hotel rooms
Sand Castle Hotels (for the ultimate temporary beachfront experience)
Medical research
A gun that shoots cancer
Broker a peace treaty with the Ebola virus so we can both fight our common enemy: the Zika virus
Pocket-sized defibrillators
Learning
Hunger Games–style education system to weed the weaklings out
Smart glasses that translate nonverbal communication, so you can tell if someone like Taylor Swift is still pissed at you
Lifestyle
Mobile pools
Virtual EVERYTHING
Miniature drones to hold your phone to enable hands-off use while walking or driving
Smart shoes that tell you if you’re on the right path in life
Consumer finance
E-locks that use an app on your phone to open doors. I’m sick and tired of losing my damn keys.
Credit card tattoos (eliminating the risk of identity theft)
New form of currency: emoticons
Home
Indoor beaches
Hot tub–sized pools
Pool-sized hot tubs
Alternative energy sources
Kris Jenner in a hamster wheel
Revitalize tidal energy by organizing an international event where everyone simultaneously swims counterclockwise in their country’s ocean to create a whirlpool effect and increase the strength of the tides
A world powered by love and hope
