By Paris Hilton
Hey sexy! So, ironically – oh my god, that is, like, the biggest word I ever used – Joy Newman wasn’t feeling well so she asked me to fill in for her. And if you’re wondering where Nicole Ritchie is, she is probably somewhere not eating and becoming hotter than me, which means I will have to go give random people my phone number again and accuse them of hacking into my phone. Anyway, Joy said I should talk about something called STDs but I’m not exactly sure what they are. I asked Rick Salomon and Nick Carter and Fred Durst, and they all just told me not to worry. I went back and asked Joy, and she said it stood for sexually transmitted diseases. Who would have guessed that if you have sex with lots and lots of people, it might make it burn when I pee, or even make my penis fall off? Well, not my penis, but like you know, a guy’s penis.So I went to the doctor because now I was scared and he said, “Ms. Hilton, I hate to tell you this, but your downstairs makes you look like Ms. Motel Six.” I think this meant that I had an STD, or that he thought my carpet matched theirs.I wasn’t really paying attention anyway, because I got distracted by the sparkles on my bag. It is so hot!I probably should have listened though, because I have noticed in the last few months that my throat is sore all the time and blood comes out when I pee, which is weird cause I stopped getting my period when I was 14. Oh damn! I lost my dog in my purse again.But I thought only dirty people got STDs. And I mean, look at the guys I have dated. They are so classy. I mean, Nick Carter often did complain about itchy warts being a pain in his ass, but I thought he was talking about the other Backstreet Boys. And there was that little video I made with Rick Redwood, but he promised that was just for his personnel collection. And I have dated really intelligent guys too. I mean, Simon Rex was an MTV VJ. And my new boyfriend Paris Latsis is so hot. Though sometimes when I say his name I get confused and answer myself. Plus it sounds so hot when I say my own name. Oh yeah, so STDs. It would be cool if there was some protective thing you could put on the guy. Maybe something plastic? That would be so very hot.Hilton can be reached at iamaprostitute@sohot.org.
