Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Only you can bring back the splendor of the scrunchy. Wear different colored ones every day. Maybe get one with your name embroidered. Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Begin a 12-step potty-training program on campus. You would be surprised how many adults actually have problems with this. If this seems too gross for you to handle, maybe just make some kid eat a lemon. Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Avoid all Tauruses this week. They might try to make you eat a lemon – unless you like lemons, in which case you may fall in love with a Taurus.Cancer (June 22-July 22) – When you’re driving down the road and feeling kind of dreary, just reach out and touch something – maybe the horn? Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Recycling is good for the environment – so is eating a lot of fiber. Find something this week that makes you happy.Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Tell that kid who still wears Scooby Doo Band-Aids to move on. The Johnson & Johnson company makes very nice, flexible fabric Band-Aids that hold rather well under water – this is an important factor when making the switch – trust me. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – It’s about time for you to start reenacting the Revolutionary War – yes, the whole thing, by yourself. Don’t ask why now – it’s very complicated and will blow your mind. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Have a great idea? Submit to Inventors Submission Corp. – this way they can steal your idea before you get a patent on it. The doughnut-shaped Zip Lock bag or helicopter ejection seat really are great ideas.Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Last week I told you to work on your poses in the mirror because someone was watching you. That was not actually true, so now you can rest easier. But seriously, put some clothes on.Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Saline solution is actually a great condiment. It complements eggs really well. Come over and I’ll make you my saline solution omelet. Yum – I can taste my own vomit already. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Let’s say that, hypothetically, you were to buy a five-gallon drum of cheese balls and, hypothetically, you were to eat all five gallons in a single sitting. Your stomach isn’t that big, so where did they all go? Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – I’ll give you $10 if you can find the mirror in Aquarius’ room. Sniff for the scent of cheddar. (If you actually believe this, then you think Dubya wrote his own speech.)