By Disco Stu
Doesn’t Advertise
Every cool UR student knows that D-Day is the most fun day of the year that you can never remember. This year, however, “fun” just isn’t good enough for college administrators. They have proposed a new plan for the event, a revolutionary plan – April 36 is D-Day Revolution.”In spite of all of our efforts, there continues to be concern for the [lack of drunkenness] of students during that day,” Dean of Students Josephine Asbury said in a letter to the student body. “It has come to our attention that many students didn’t drink as much as they could have last year – that’s just no fun,” Asbury said.To solve this problem, the Dean’s Office will be purchasing 60 kegs of various High Falls Brewery products for students and staff to enjoy on the Wilson Quad.”We are encouraging students to drink as much as possible this year – we wouldn’t want any of that cheap shit to go to waste,” Asbury said.”We’re so excited that the school will be paying for our booze,” Administrative Co-Chair of Campus Administrators’ Bitches Jason Smith said. “D-Day Revolution will surely be bigger and better than any normal D-Day.”CAB has been given extra funding so that they can bring in the loudest and longest D-Day concert possible. “Woodstock 2004 will be taking place at UR as part of the D-Day Revolution celebration,” Smith said.The concert will feature such bands as Metallica, Guns ‘N’ Roses and UR’s own Mazel Tones – everyone’s favorite a cappella group.All student groups have been asked to help organize the event, especially UR’s Greek community. “Every fraternity and sorority except Phi Kappa Tau is encouraged to get involved by throwing a huge party,” Dean of ALL William Green said.”I’ve placed FKT on double-secret probation for being paper thieving bastards,” Green added.While most students and administrators are excited about the event, they remain dedicated to safety first and foremost.”We realize that many, many students will go to the hospital for various reasons – they do every year. But we’ve come to realize that some people just can’t handle their liquor, and there’s really nothing we can do about that,” Asbury said.”We’re willing to sacrifice a small portion of the student body to boost overall school pride at UR,” Green said. “After all, we have to be willing take some risks to make UR a better place.”The student body as a whole is pleased with the idea of D-Day Revolution. “This is perhaps the one issue where I feel students and administrators have been in agreement – more booze is more fun,” very skinny chick Kerri Linden said.Stu can be found at most Rochester area nightclubs.
