Everybody knows the story of Cinderella. What people don’t know is the part that Disney leaves out.
Once upon a time, after her father died and before she found her fairy godmother, Cinderella ran away from home.
She enrolled at UR ? tuition was cheaper then and she got a scholarship because she did well on her SATs ? and became one of the school’s first star athletes.
Cinderella was a natural with a broom, so it seemed like a perfect fit for her to join UR’s most popular and successful team ? women’s curling.
“I didn’t know any of the rules, but I learned fast,” Cinderella said. “It’s such a great sport. Once you get the hang of it, it’s addictive. Not as addictive as drugs, but?”
She trailed off as her eyes gazed into the distance and she recalled either her days as a curler or a pothead.
Cinderella was an immediate success. She was named Rookie of the Year her freshman season and helped the Yellowjackets reach the Sweet 16.
“The tournament was a great experience,” Cinderella said, “but we weren’t satisfied with the Sweet 16. We wanted a national title.”
Cinderella got her wish the very next year. She had always been magic with the broom, but she worked on her throws and was the nation’s best player as a sophomore.
The Yellowjackets went undefeated and Cinderella became a legend with her performance in the championship match.
With her team trailing 4-2 in the fifth end, the blonde bombshell was perfect on every shot the rest of the way. Her final shot of the day clinched UR’s first national championship in any sport.
“It was unbelievable,” Cinderella said. “My teammates carried me off the ice on their shoulders and, for the rest of the year, I couldn’t walk around campus without people thanking me or telling me how much they loved me.”
That was the high point of Cinderella’s career, and nothing could have prepared her for how far the bottom would drop out.
Cinderella was the team skip again as a junior, and she led UR to another undefeated regular season.
However, disaster struck in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. With UR on its way to an easy win, Cinderella went to push off for another throw.
Just as she had done countless times in her career, Cinderella let the stone go at the line and glided along behind it. As she approached the target, she realized that she wasn’t slowing down.
She looked down at her feet and saw that somebody had replaced her curling shoes with glass slippers. Her inability to tell the difference earlier can only be attributed to the fact that she was a blonde, but nobody could understand how her teammates didn’t notice.
Unable to stop, Cinderella plowed the length of the ice, knocking all of the stones out of the way. UR was immediately disqualified and everybody blamed Cinderella.
“I was devastated,” Cinderella said. “Nobody would talk to me or even look at me. My professors all gave me bad grades and I started having trouble eating and sleeping.”
With no friends, Cinderella turned to sex and drugs.
“I became a slut,” Cinderella said. “There was nobody I wouldn’t have sex with, even Quasimodo, the hunchback of the Nipple of Knowledge.”
Cinderella was placed on summary disciplinary probation by Dean of Torture Elvis Rockensies, ancestor of current Dean of Torture Ken Rockensies and she probably would not have returned for her senior year, but she was so messed up by drugs that she didn’t realize the school year was over. She stayed in the Drama House the whole summer, and it was good that she did.
Her life was turned around in the fall of her senior year by seven freshmen ? Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Doc and Bashful ? who weaned her off drugs and convinced her to start curling again.
“I’ll never forget those little guys,” Cinderella said. “They really saved my life and gave me a reason to live.”
Cinderella rededicated herself to curling and worked her way back onto the team. By the end of the season, Cinderella was back in top form and the Yellowjackets were playing like champions again.
Because of their early-season struggles, the Yellowjackets just barely made the NCAA Tournament as a No. 12 seed. UR breezed through the first two rounds to set up a match against defending champion Otterbein College, which was led by the ice-cold Snow White, in the Sweet 16.
The Yellowjackets put up a good fight, but White and her teammates were just too good. Otterbein advanced to the Elite Eight and eventually won a second straight national championship.
“I went through some pretty tough times, but I think I came out better for it,” Cinderella said. “It would have been great to win another national title, but I was happy just to get back to where I was before the incident. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.”
Unfortunately, Cinderella would have to wait a few more years before she got her true happy ending.
Cinderella graduated in the spring, but was not able to get a job. The country was in a recession and the job market wasn’t good, especially for a philosophy major with a 2.60 GPA, and professional curling was not popular yet.
Cinderella had to go back to living with her wicked step-mother, who treated her worse than ever because she had been gone for four years. But everybody knows how that story ends, although Disney did leave out one other thing.
When the prince tried to put the glass slipper on Cinderella’s foot, she attacked him and nearly sent him to the hospital. She’s working through her issues with a psychiatrist and says that she’s making good progress. As long as she doesn’t go back to doing drugs, she should live happily ever after.
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