Heads up Admissions, it?s time to add another shining credential to the UR pre-frosh bulletins.
I can just see it now ? it will be recorded right next to the ?Three-time recipient of the Parking Services Award for Excellence in Customer Satisfaction.?
Broadcast in a blue and dandelion yellow blaze of glory, it will be the University of Rochester?s proudest accomplishment: ?Danforth Dining Center named No. 1 Restaurant in Rochester.?
This honor is bestowed annually by a group of random idiots.
When the idiots were asked about their culinary credentials, they looked confused and then ran away.
The idiots stated that one of the main reasons that Danforth was selected as the recipient of the award was its excellent regulation of food temperature.
Evidently, it?s hard to find another restaurant in Rochester where almost all the food is consistently served cold.
?When I eat at Danforth, I never have to worry about burning my mouth on hot food,? senior Joe Mama said.
Dirty silverware was also cited as one of the more admirable distinctions at Danforth.
?I don?t know why they call them ?greasy spoon diners? when the silverware is usually all clean,? senior Chump Alump said. ?At Danforth, at least we live up to the name.?
Most UR students are elated about their dining hall receiving the honor.
?Well, I always kinda thought that Danforth was, like, really awesome,? freshman Ima Ho said.
?But now when I go down there in my pajama pants and flip flops, I know for sure that I am getting the best damn fruit flies that my declining balance can buy,? she said.
?Nuh-uh,? said an Aramark employee at the Pit. ?Have you seen our donut case lately??
Although they are frequent Danforth patrons, the UR Crew team was surprised to learn of the honor.
?Man, we didn?t know that we were throwing around high-class food during our food fights,? junior Jay Crew said.
University administrators are also quite pleased with this distinction. After receiving this award, the university finally has a good explanation for the ridiculously high costs of the dining plans.
?Uh, yes. Yes. That?s why,? said Manager of Aramark at UR, Paul Palmer.
When asked his opinion of Danforth?s recent honor, Director of Admissions Jamie Hobba refused to comment.
The university plans to fully exploit Danforth?s notoriety by further deteriorating the quality of food served there.
?Hell, it can?t be that hard to run a top-ranked restaurant,? University President Thomas Jackson said. ?It really doesn?t matter what kind of food you serve, as long as people are shellin? out the bucks to be there.?
Jackson then laughed maniacally for four minutes, before retreating to his underground lair.
Congratulations, Danforth, you deserve all the praise you receive.
